Have you expressed your concern about this to them? Have you spoken about not only how it is haram, but also how it will deprive them of barakah and tawfiq in their lives? Try your best to politely explain all of this, and remind them.
If they still insist on having haram elements in their wedding, I would recommend you attend only the essential parts of the wedding, so as not to create conflict and future problems for yourself, as he is your brother. You can then excuse yourself, once there are haram things. If anyone objects, or gets upset, that is for them. You cannot obey or please someone at the cost of disobeying and displeasing Allah ta'ala.
In our Islamic tradition and culture, relationships are not just personal and individual. It is the coming together of two families. It should not be done in secrecy. That is a big red flag. How will he maintain his respect to her, if she's gone behind her family's back and done the most important thing in her life, without telling her family.
As is most cases, the male will definitely use this in a way that he will not show accountability to her family, and many other wrong things.
If she has not been married before, and even if she has been married, involving family is very important.
It tends to be a big challenge for people, especially in youth. Often, as people get older, that particular temptation becomes less, and other temptations come to the forefront. (Exceptions apply!)
However, although that is a common temptation, there is no one single challenge that everyone faces equally - our temptations are as diverse as ourselves. Possibly, your brother is going through a difficult time managing this aspect of himself, and this is why he said that.
There are now some coaches on YouTube that are very helpful in advising on how to cope with an emotionally abusive parent. In the household of a covert malignant narcissistic parent, children get assigned roles: the scapegoat and the golden child. To save you wasted years of your life, you will never be able to escape the role that you have been assigned. Even if your narc parent were to destroy your life, she would still find a reason to blame you for something or other, and play the victim.
You have to go 'no contact' or at least minimise contact as much as possible (minimal contact still counts as maintaining silat al-rahm - just at a safe distance). You will not be validated or have your true self seen by your mother, because she is invested in invalidating you. Instead, you have gradually accept that she will never be the mother you wanted and needed, and start to find yourself again and build your own life and identity independently of her. Don't share anything with her about yourself. Keep your life separate and private. If you are still living at home, it would be advisable to work on physically separating yourself and leaving the home.
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