What are the Limits and Conditions of Enjoining Good ties with Family Relatives?

'Silat ar-Rahm' [keeping ties with womb/blood relatives] is basically your blood relatives, grandparents, parents. These are in the first category, the first circle. Then you have your siblings, brothers and sisters. Then you have your uncles and aunts, then you have your cousins. Cousins are your Rahm [womb relatives], by the way. Even second cousins are your Rahm. If you share with them a grandfather or a grandmother, then they are Rahm with you and it is an obligation to keep good ties with them.

Now the bare minimum of 'silat ar-Rahm' is not to boycott anyone, or be on bad terms. Now it depends who that person is. If it is your parents, then yes, you should regularly be talking to them, seeing them, visiting them, sending them letters, calling them. This should be regular with parents.

But let us say with a second cousin, you do not have to do this every day. As long as socially in your 'urf [as is the usual] you are keeping ties with them. When 'Eid comes, you send them a message, you call them, you send them a gift. You, for instance, visit them. That is Silat ar-Rahm. The point is to always make it clear that I am on good terms with you. I will speak to you, I am not boycotting you. That is the bare minimum of Silat ar-Rahm.

Now the more you do, the better that is between you and Allah. The more you do, the more generosity, the more time you spend, the more Allah increases your life and increases your rizq and sustenance. But the bare minimum is not to cut them off. That is the first point.

The second point what if I have siblings, cousins, uncles, aunts? If I spend time with them, they do 'ghibah' [backbiting], they encourage me to do bad. What do I do? I have two suggestions here.

Number one: you be the stronger person. Before they influence you, you influence them. When you get together with your relatives or even friends. Go prepared, my dear brothers and sisters, go prepared. Sit one hour, think tonight there is a gathering, there will be relatives, they are going to talk about useless things, prepare interesting topics that they are also interested in, and when you get together, have a discussion, get everyone's interest. That way you distract them from ghibah and anything that is nonsense. But this requires preparation.

And remember that 1 hour of contemplation in Allah's path is worth more than 70 acts of ibadah [worship]. Yes, because that is 'ibadah'. If tonight I have a program with my friends and usually they talk about nonsense things, right or even haram things. If I sit and think for an hour, what should I talk about? Something interesting that will gain their interest, and it is not haram and beneficial. If you spend 1 hour doing that, Allah will give you more ajr and thawab [reward] than 70 acts of ibadah, 70 rak'ahs [cycles] of salah.

Because you are helping your friends go to the path of Allah. That in itself is amazing! So think. Knowing how your aunt is, your uncle is your cousin. What is something good for me to start, so they do not influence me? That is the first point.

The second point, what if you can not help it? They have created this atmosphere where if you are just hanging around them, you become more materialistic. You just fall into ghibah, you fall into sins. In that case, you limit your presence. See? Do not boycott them. Call them, say salam to them, sit a few minutes, come up with an excuse, I have to work, I have to study. When you see the negative influence is starting, get up and leave. But do not make it in a way where you are cutting them off.

Tell them, tell them I just have a busy schedule. I came here to say salam. Show them some good akhlaq [manners] and leave. So if you believe that they are having a negative influence on you, do not spend time with them. Because you do not want to lose yourself. Absolutely. And oftentimes it is relatives who make you deviate. Stay away from these people. Do not boycott them. Keep it very formal, casual, formal. You know, sometimes 'alaqat rasmiyyah'- a nominal relationship, just to show that you are not against them and that would be fine.

If you live in a society and it is not normal for you to stay in touch with your second cousin, let us say, right? Do you have to constantly be in touch with them? No, as long as it is not considered boycotting them. See, in some cultures it is. If occasionally you do not see your cousin, say salam to them, send them a message, people will consider that, okay, do you have a problem with your cousin?

But if you live in a culture that says it is not even normal, it is abnormal for you to stay in touch with your cousin, let us say, as an example. In that case, it is not considered 'qat ar-Rahm' [cutting ties] if you do not stay in touch with them. So whatever the society considers cutting ties is haram [unlawful]. As long as you are not cutting ties, it is okay. That is the first part.

The second part, let us say some people. You have siblings, aunts, cousins... If you limit the time that you spend with them, like five minutes, and you leave, they will take that offensively, and they will consider you boycotting them. What do you do? See, over here, we have a priority. Saving my purity and my religion is priority. If being with them means that I am going to lose my religion. Islam says, do not lose your religion at any cost.

Imagine, the Prophet's uncle was Abu Lahab, right? Imam 'Ali 'alayhi as-salam has a beautiful statement. Some scholars used to cry when they would read this. They would cry when they would read this. He is describing Rasul Allah. He says, 'qata fi Allahi Rahima'- Imam 'Ali 'alayhi as-salaam is talking about Rasul Allah salla Allahu 'alayhi wa alihi. He says a statement, some scholars used to cry when they would read it. He said Rasul Allah, who had the amazing akhlaq [etiquette] and he wanted to really guide his family and be good with them. He says what they did to him like Abu Lahab and others pushed the Prophet to do what? 'Qata fi Allahi Rahimi'.

The Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa alihi, he cut ties with some of his family for the sake of Allah. How? Abu Lahab. Abu Lahab when he continued his enmity to Allah and he declared himself as an enemy to Allah, the Prophet, salla Allahu 'alayhi wa alihi, no longer embraced him, because now he became an enemy of God. See, sometimes the believer might have to do that.

So in the end, your responsibility is signal to them, I am not boycotting you. I say Salam to you. I say 'Eid Mubarak. I will sit five minutes. More than that, I cannot do. Come up with an excuse. You do not always have to tell them. Do not lecture them, you know you guys are bad people, you do not fear Allah. They are like, oh, he is acting better than us, she is acting better than us. Do not say that. Just come up with an excuse. And even if they feel bad about that, it is not your fault. What is priority is for you to save your religion.