Family Ethics 11/13: The Search for a Spouse

'A'udhu bil-Lahi, min ash-Shaytan, ar-rajim. Bismi-Llah, Al-Rahmani, Al-Rahim. Al-hamdulil-Lahi Rabbi al-'Alamin, wa as-salatu wa as-salam 'ala Ashraf Al-Anbiya'i wa Sayyid al-Mursalin, wa Habib Ilahi al-'Alamin, Abi Al-Qasimi Muhammad, wa 'ala Ahli Baytihi, at-tayyibin, at-tahirin, al-ma'sumeen, al-mukarramin, al-ghurrar al-mayamin, siyyama baqiyati Allah fi 'l-ardhin wa hujjatihi 'ala 'l-khala'iqi ajma'in, Sayyidina wa Imami az-Zamanina, wa Sahib na'matina, wa Waliy 'amrina, Madhi hadhihi al-ummah, wa tawusi ahli 'l-Jannah, al-Hujjat Ibn al-Hasan al-'Askariy, fidahu arwahu al-'Alamin.

Allahumma kun li waliyyika al-Hujjat Ibn al-Hasan, salawatuka 'alayhi wa 'ala aba'ih. Fi hadhihi as-sa'ati, wa fi kulli sa’ah. Waliyya wa hafidha, wa qa'ida, wa nasira, wa daleelan, wa 'ayna, hatta tuskinahu ardhaka tau'a, wa tumattiahu fiha, tawilah. [Du'a al-Faraj]. Allahhumma wa hablana ra'fatahu wa rahmatahu wa 'awnahu wa du'ahu wa khairahu wa ridha'. Man inalu bihi sa'atan min rahmatik, wa fauzan 'andaka ya Karim. Bi rahmatika ya Arham ar-Rahimin.

My dear brothers and sisters, as-salamu 'alaykum, wa rahmat Ullah wa barakatu. I pray that you are all in the best of health and prosperity in this blessed month of mercy and forgiveness. We continue our series on the ethics of the family, or Islamic family ethics. In this session, I would like to address a very important question that a lot of people ask and something that is a source of confusion for many, and that is you have decided to take the next step and to complete your faith to immunize your soul from the traps of Shaytan, and to build a family. Of course, the first step is to find a spouse.

Some people, especially brothers, want to know how to go about the process of finding a spouse, selecting the right person. For the sisters, in most cases, it is a matter of when a potential suitor approaches, what are the criteria, how to decide whether or not to accept a proposal.

And so I would like to address that question by providing, again, as we have done from the beginning of the series, to go through the traditions of the Ahl ul-Bayt, to actually find what the religion says about how to select a potential spouse. Of course, many people would know that selecting a spouse has to require some kind of a list of minimum requirements or prerequisites. We have talked about how it's important to select someone who is religious and has good character and akhlaq but at the same time, there is much nuance to that topic.

So the question we are addressing is how to go about selecting a spouse. As we have said in the past that to avoid falling into the trap of delaying marriage, and we talked about the importance of expediting the process of marriage, obviously that doesn't mean rushing, and hastily skipping important steps. The first important step that needs to be carried out is to scrutinize and perform the necessary checks. That means that just like when you are about to enter into a partnership, when you are about to find and purchase a house. It is interesting that when somebody wants to get a loan from a bank to purchase a house, what tends to happen is that after the initial negotiations, when it is time for you to sign the contract, and receive that loan to purchase the house, what happens is that you are handed a very thick contract. Usually, it is in the hundreds of pages, 200 - 300 pages long, that contains so many details about the loan that you are getting, the nature of it, what happens when in the event that you are unable to pay the loan, the legal obligations that you have, and so on and so forth. It is a very, very detailed scrutiny of your financial status, of whether or not you are able to make the payments and so forth. There is a lot of paperwork to go through.

Yet when it comes to marriage, sometimes what tends to happen is that people might rush into things, because they are blindsided by some of the issues that this person, the spouse that they are about to get married to, might have issues that are overlooked because certain other characteristics or features are given preference or priority. Therefore, it is important that the scrutiny takes place, that due diligence happens. And that often means speaking to individuals that are familiar with that spouse. I personally feel that a lot is invested in getting to know the person yourself. Whereas we have talked about this in the previous sessions, I don't think that that is the best approach.

Sometimes you can get a much more detailed picture, a much more objective view of the individual by speaking to friends, relatives, and even neighbours of the individual. Because a person usually acts like themselves, they usually might do things that they wouldn't ordinarily do, if they were in the presence of strangers. But in the company of friends, in the company of relatives, in the company of neighbours, a lot of us tend to just be ourselves. That is why speaking to the neighbours is a very good way to get that objective analysis and objective view of who this person actually is. That is really important to keep in mind.

The second thing is to consult wise and experienced people on the matter. I think, again, that is one of the areas that is often overlooked to refer to individuals who are, they have certain qualities, and we will talk a little bit about those, that may provide an objective third-person view of the individual that you are about to get married to. And that consultation is something that has to be part of every proposal, especially when you don't know the individual that has come forward. Sometimes the individual might be a relative, a close relative, and so you have a pretty good idea of who that person is. But when the person comes from a different country, comes from a different culture, perhaps that is when you need those sorts of consultations.

What is interesting is that when you refer to the books of hadith, you find entire chapters dedicated to this topic, the topic of consulting other people or seeking what the hadith calls and what's commonly known in Arabic as Mashwira or Istishara. Istishara is when you ask for someone's opinion about anything that you are about to invest in. For instance, in the blessed work of Al-'Allama Al-Majlasi, ridwanu Allah Ta'ala 'alaih, Bihar Al-Anwar, in his magnum opus, 110 encyclopedia of hadith and the words and traditions and lives of the Ahl ul-Bayt 'alayhum as-salam.

In Volume 72, specifically, there is a chapter called "Bab Al-Mashwara wa ma yambaghi Istisharatuhu wa nus-hu al-mustashir". Now this chapter, as I said, contains a lot of a hadith that talk about the importance of consultation and seeking other people's advice, as well as who to consult, who to refer to, when it comes to those matters, and a section allocated to Nus-hu Al-Mustashir, which is the things that a person who is being consulted must do. When you are the person whose advice is being sought, then what is your obligation at that point in time? What your responsibilities are?

There is an entire chapter, as I said, dedicated and allocated to this, which tells you that the Ahl ul-Bayt alayhum as-salam, the Holy Prophet, and his immaculate Household, they deemed this area to be of critical importance, the idea of consultation. For instance, one hadith states: "man istisharahu akhuhu al-mu'min, fa lam yumahaduhu un-nasihata salabah Allahu lubba". Again, this is about cases where you are the person whose advice is being sought, what you are supposed to do. In this particular hadith, the Imam says that if your brother in faith consults you and you do not exert maximum effort to provide an advice or consultation that is complete, that is done with absolute certainty and sincerity. If you give advice that is incomplete or advice that is, as we say, ill-advised, something that doesn't provide the person that is consulting you with the best possible advice that they could get, then Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala will strip you away of your intellect.The ability to see things clearly will be taken away from you.

It tells you again that this is a matter that is very, very critical and important. For instance, we have a whole host of Ahadith where the Holy Prophet, salla Allahu alayhi wa alayhi, for instance, says to Amir al-Mu'minin, 'alayhi as-salam, he says to him, "la tushawir" a range of different people. Do not seek the advice of these people. For instance, "jabanan" [cowards], the Imam says, "harisan" [anxious people], al-bakhil [stingy people]. Don't consult people who are timid. Subhana Allah. Probably something that most of us don't think of. When someone himself or herself is timid at heart, meaning they lack courage, they are the people who are hesitant when it comes to their own affairs, the Prophet says to Amir Al-Mu’minin, do not consult people like that. Also, do not consult people who are greedy. Again, something that we need to pay attention to. A person's own personal qualities will affect the advice that they give you. Make sure that you consult the right people. Someone who's timid, someone who is a coward, for instance, someone who is greedy, someone who is a miser, Al-Bakhil, the Prophet says, a miser who in their own world, who in their own lives, they exhibit this quality where they are not generous. The Prophet says don't consult them. And he explains why. But the point is there are certain qualities to look for when you are seeking someone's advice.

Instead, one hadith says that if you are going to consult someone, consult those who are pious, those who fear Allah: "man yakhsh Allah" those who guard themselves against sin. Don't consult just about anyone. For instance, one of the issues that people have is, especially when they have marital problems, who do they consult? They go to a family therapist. Now, any family therapist won't be able to give you good advice because this advice has to be based not just on knowledge, not just on, if you like, the skill or the science of how to lead a life that is free from trouble and so forth. It has to also be coupled with piety and fear of Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala.

I will share one hadith here with you, which talks about the features that a person whose advice is being sought must have. It is a hadith attributed to Imam Al-Sadiq, alayhi as-salatu wa as-salam, in which he says that a person that you are consulting has to have, number one: intellect, someone who's able to properly examine the situation and give you advice that is balanced, advice that is based on the intellect. The Imam says that when you consult someone who has the faculty of the intellect, that person will look at the various aspects of the matter about which they are being consulted, and they will provide you with a holistic kind of advice or consultation. Number two: the Imam says, so number one is 'Aql, number two is Tadayyun. The Imam specifically says that that person has to be religious. He or she has to be someone who abides by religious rules. Why?

The Imam says because he or she will exert a lot of effort so that they could provide you with the best possible advice and not something that is off the hook, something that is ill-advised. In other words, they will sleep on it. A good person to consult would be the one who tells you, Okay, i have heard your problem. Now give me a day or two to get back to you. Because what that means is that this person really cares about the advice that they are about to give and they will exert effort. They might even have to consult other people. They might have to put in that extra effort and go the extra mile, as we say. Number three: the Imam says that person has to be Sadi

qun muakhi, He or she has to be a good friend, someone who considers you a brother. Why? Because the Imam says he or she will then be sincere. Also, he says that they won't expose you. They won't release your information to other people. They won't sit there and in a gossip session that unfortunately, tragically, is so common amongst us, they won't say, Oh, you know what happened the other day, somebody asked me for advice on such and such, and they will spill the beans. They will expose you and the matter about which you are seeking their advice.

Finally, the Imam says this person has to be given all the information that they have so that they can then give you information and advice that is complete. In other words, the Imam says that whatever information you have about the matter, you should also be able to share it with them. Don't hold back. Don't cover certain things and other things. It is important that you provide them with all the necessary information so that they can then take all of that on board and give you advice that is complete.

The Imam, interestingly, at the end of that hadith, he says that if you don't do this, if you consult people who don't have these qualities, then the act of consultation will act to your detriment. In other words, it will do more harm than good to you. It is important that you keep a list of all of these features in mind when you are consulting someone. Number one, scrutiny, as I said. Before you commit to the marriage, and that's a big commitment as we all know. Number two, select the right people to seek their advice and consult. Number three, it is to contemplate, to actually think, to allocate time for you to go over essentially your motivations, why you are getting married, why this person, to think about this process and not rush into things is also important.

Look at this hadith from the Holy Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa alih. He says, "idha anta" a person comes to the Prophet, he asks him for advice. The Prophet says to him, "idha anta hamamta bi amrin" If you are about to commit to something, if you are about to do something, right? "fa tadabbar 'aqibata". Think about the outcome of this action that you are about to take. Think about not just the immediate future. Don't just think about what's going to happen over the next six months or year. Think about your children. Think about your children's children, how they will be affected by this person, how they will live in a family where you are a parent, but so is another person, so is that spouse of yours so "idha anta hamamta bi amrin, fa tadabbar aqibata". Think about the outcome. Think about the long-term repercussions of this action or commitment, in this case, marriage.

"Fa in yakurushdan fundhih" If the outcome is good, if the long-term repercussions are favorable, then go ahead, proceed forward. "Wa iyyaku ghayyan, fantahi 'an". But if you feel that the long-term repercussions are evil, if they are not good, if they are detrimental to yourself, to your religiousity, to your children's faith, then stop right there and do not proceed forward. Now, we have a long list of narrations from the Ahl ul-Bayt, alayhum as-salam, about the qualities to select or to look for in a potential spouse. Many, many traditions have discussed this point and have provided us with minimum prerequisites, as I said before.

For instance, the famous hadith where the Holy Prophet, Salla Allahu alayhi wa alih, and subsequently members of the Ahl al-Bayt, have said that it is important to select someone who has these two qualities: Khuluq and Deen. Khuluq is good character, and we will elaborate on that. Religion is faith. Is this person a practicing Muslim or not? In some traditions, it says, "Amanatahu wa Dina", if you favor someone that has the quality of being trustworthy, the quality of being reliable and religiousity, perhaps trustworthiness is a branch of Khuluq. It is about good character. It is an example that has been provided here. But the overarching theme here is that the person has to have good character. Khuluq also means pleasant demeanor, it means that this person is someone who is pleasant to be with, someone who has good 'Akhlaq'. But 'Akhlaq' is a broader concept that it's not just about the person's behavior or the person's demeanor when in the presence of other people. It's broader than that, but it also includes having those qualities where the person has good 'akhlaq'. Or being well-tempered, as we call, as we say in English.

For instance, listen to this hadith. A person sends a letter to Imam ar-Ridha' alayhi as-salatu wa as-salam, our eighth Imam, and he says to him that: one of my relatives has approached me and proposed to my daughter. He wants to get married to my daughter. However, he has a problem. He says to the Imam, "fi khuluqihi su'". There is a problem, he doesn't elaborate any further. He doesn't give us any specifics, but he does say to the Imam that there is a problem, a shortcoming in his Akhlaq, in his character. What do I do? The Imam responds by saying, "la tuzawwajhu in kana sai'a al-khuluq", even though he is your relative. But if he has a problem in his character, a problem in his demeanor, then do not give your consent. Do not bless this marriage.

Now, why is this relevant and important? Think about it. So many families want their daughters to get married to their cousins. The logic is that he is your cousin. He is one of us. Also, one of the reasons a lot of families do this is that there is almost like an unwritten law, in many families where girls marry their cousins. Cousins marry each other, essentially. In principle, that is a good thing. That is not bad. So don't get me wrong, getting married to people within the family, people that you know, has a lot of advantages. One of them is you know the person. If you don't know the person yourself, then other members of the family would know them perfectly well. It allows you to make a more informed decision. It allows you to get married to the person knowing pretty much all there is to know about them.

However, in many cases, that individual who happens to be your second cousin or whatever it is, doesn't have the best of Akhlaq. This person won't check the boxes underneath the category of good character. Just because this person is related to me doesn't make him the best candidate to get married. It is important that they receive the same level of scrutiny, and these minimum requirements have to be present. While it is an advantage that this person is related to me, at the same time, it doesn't mean that we overlook those areas in this person's life, which may be problematic.

In this case, Imam ar-Ridha, alayhi as-salam, is very clear. If this person has a character rap-sheet that is flawed, that has dark stains that are perhaps innumerable or problematic, at least, then you should avoid getting married to that person. This is my advice to families whose first choice is always that cousin who happens to live back home. As I said, it is an advantage, but it is not a minimum requirement. The minimum requirement is Akhlaq and religioniosity, being a practicing Muslim.

I hear a lot of sisters, especially, who reach out to me and say that my parents want me to get married to so and so who happens to be my relative, but I have a problem with that. Most of the time, it is not necessarily because that person has any blemishes on his rap sheet, but because they happen to love someone else who is local, or because they feel like getting married to someone who is local, who perhaps speaks the local language, and so forth, is better. My advice here is this: the fact that they are related to you is an advantage. There is no question there. However, do they satisfy those two minimum requirements? If they do, so be it. I would prefer someone who is related. But if they don't, then I would certainly avoid them and go to the next option, which would be someone else.

What is good Akhlaq? As I said, it is an overarching concept. It includes honesty; it includes temper, as I said, the demeanor when they are with other people; it includes having what we might call clean eyes, clean tongue. Meaning this person isn't a womaniser. He is not the person who is always contaminating his eye, and therefore his soul, by looking around. He is not someone who likes all of these problematic photos on social media. He also has a good tongue, a clean tongue, meaning he does not, or she, does not engage in foul language. Just someone who can be labeled as an individual who has good Akhlaq and good morals and good character. Also, he has to be trustworthy, as we said before, which is specifically mentioned in the hadith. He has to have humility, he has to have generosity.

Also, there is the negative traits that he must avoid, like being ill-tempered, having foul language, being envious towards other people, being greedy, etc. So all of these things put together compromise what we refer to as good character and demeanor. Does he check these boxes? If the answer is yes, then he satisfies the good character requirement. For instance, we have traditions, specific Ahadith, which say, Do not marry someone who is a fool. In the hadith literature, we call that 'Ahmak'. Someone who is foolish, someone who is an imbecille, don't marry someone like that.

Also, we have traditions that say do not marry your daughters to someone who is a drunkard, someone who drinks alcohol, 'sharib ul-khamr'. Not just drunkards, but anyone who drinks alcohol at all should be avoided like the plague. One hadith says that if a father allows his daughter to get married to someone who drinks intoxicants, drinks wine, "fa qad qata'a rahma", then this father has severed his kinship with his daughter. Because essentially that is what you are doing. You are handing your daughter to someone who basically violates the two minimum requirements, which is having good character as well as having religiousity.

What is really interesting is that we have a lot of references that mention specific physical qualities as well. Individuals with this physical quality, which I don't want to get into now because ultimately these physical qualities are a matter of personal preference. Someone might like a blonde, another person likes a brunette, another person likes someone who is tall, another person likes someone who is not so tall. There are matters of personal preference, which is okay. The issue is because we have this large group of Ahadith that specify physical qualities, surely, what that means is that it needs to be a matter that is well thought out. If physical qualities are this important, surely moral qualities are even more important. But why I think, we have those Ahadiths that mention physical qualities, isn't to perhaps encourage people to get married to, for example, men to get married to women with very long hair, but maybe the idea is that when you get married, you do so with open eyes.

In other words, what the Imams are actually trying to tell us is that a spouse is not a napkin that you can just throw away if you don't like them. Make sure that they satisfy the conditions that you want, so that when you do get married, you don't suffer from disappointment, or buyer's remorse, as they say. Because i have seen people. Someone once told me that he got married to someone and that he didn't put in that effort. He didn't actually, he didn't see the individual he was getting married to, even though certain qualities were important to him, but he skipped over those because he was looking for perhaps other features. Sometimes people get married for all kinds of reasons. I don't know, in some countries, which, countries that we describe as third-world countries, might want to migrate to another country which provides better economic conditions, for instance. They will marry someone just because they can give them that residency or that passport and whatnot.

In the case of this person, he goes that I married this person, she came. When she came and we were actually married on the first day when I saw her, I wasn't very satisfied. I didn't like what she looked like, and so I divorced her. I said, How could you do that? You need to get married with open eyes. If physical looks are important to you, which, as we said earlier, they are not basic minimum requirements, but if that is something that is important to you, then make sure that you perform your due diligence, so that you don't break her heart, that you don't make her suffer through that entire process only to then be sent home.

That is an egregious act of oppression that you have committed against this poor, helpless soul, who has no fault of her own whatsoever. And just because you were complacent, just because you didn't put in the effort, then that is something that you are responsible for and no one else.

Another hadith I wanted to share with you on the subject of basic minimum requirements, is this beautiful tradition by Imam Al-Hasan, alayhi as-salatu wa as-salam. What the Imam says is a person consults him and says, Who do I marry my daughters to? The Imam responds by saying "zawwijha taqi". If you are going to choose a spouse for your wife or for your daughter, if you are going to vet the suitors who are approaching you, then make sure that the first requirement is piety. Why? The Imam says, Because if he loves her, "fa innahu in ahabbaha 'akramaha". A pious person, when he marries someone and he actually falls in love with her, then he will honour her. He will look after her. He will provide for her. "Wa in abghabaha", and in the event that things don't work out, and they fall apart and they have problems, and it even gets to the point of divorce, his piety will prevent him from committing acts of injustice against her. "Wa in abghabaha, lam yadhlimha", he won't oppressed her.

The reason is obvious. Piety is the biggest deterrent against injustice and oppression. It is stronger than any condition that you put in the marriage contract. Because conditions in the marriage contract, can always be broken. Even those heavy dowries that some people choose to specify, so as to avoid divorce from being the first option in the event of a fight, I have seen a lot of families who, when they choose the dowry, they split it into two parts.

That is not something that we find in the hadith literature. It is not something that the Imams practiced, but it is quite common, especially in Arab cultures and perhaps Persian-speaking communities, who they split the dowry into two parts. They call one the 'muqaddam', and the other is the 'mu'ajjal' or 'muakhkhar'. The muqaddam is the dowry that needs to be paid upfront. The deferred dowry is the one that gets paid in the event of a divorce. What often happens is that they specify a very, very hefty dowry for the deferred section, so that when the person wants to get a divorce, they will think twice about doing so.

In some cultures, especially in Iran, sadly, unfortunately, what they do is that they will specify an extremely hefty amount for the deferred dowry. It runs into the hundreds of thousands of dollars, for example, so that the person doesn't divorce his wife just because they had a falling out or they had a problem. Or if they do divorce, then there is a massive amount that they need to pay and that acts like a compensation for the girl. However, all of these measures are incredibly ill-advised. The reason for that is, what are you trying to do? You are trying to prevent this man from divorcing your daughter by making him suffer, by making him pay that hefty price tag?

Well, there is always ways to circumvent these measures that you have taken. There is always, for instance, one of the things that some men do, unfortunately, is that they make their wives so miserable so that they end up being the ones to forfeit that dowry, and the money is not paid in the end because she forfeited. She isn't asking for her dowry because she is so miserable, she wants to get out of this marriage, and she will pay any price to do so.

Some men will resort to that incredibly hideous and grotesque act so as to get a divorce without paying the price. In the end, what are you trying to do? If you are trying to avoid that eventuality, the best way to do that is to pick someone who is religious, someone whose piety will prevent him from resorting to such acts, as the Imam, 'alayhi as-salam, Imam Al-Hasan, as I said, he so beautifully elaborates on this, and he says that if you are going to marry someone, marry someone who is pious so that they don't oppressed you even if they hate you.

The importance of the 'Aql is something that, again, we have lots of Ahadith about the importance of marrying someone who is of sound intellect. Because in the end, brothers and sisters, if you have one spouse who is of sound intellect, someone who is reasonable, someone who is wise, even in the event of a falling out, in the event of a conflict, a fight of some sort, even if one partner is wise, then he or she will make sure that matters don't escalate beyond control, that this fight doesn't end up in the courts. They will be patient, they will be wise, they will be quiet, and they will ensure that such a thing doesn't get out of hand and out of control.