1. Ask A Question About Islam And Muslims
  2. Ask A Question About Islam And Muslims

Ask A Question About Islam And Muslims

116 Questions

After enduring 20 years in an abusive marriage, that ended in divorce, and raising my children alone, why do I still feel guilty and fear hell, especially when my mother and brother don't accept me and consistently make me feel bad whenever we interact?
Amina Inloes

I am sorry to hear about your situation.

This is probably due to the psychology of being in an abusive marriage; possibly the abuser always said directly or indirectly that whatever happens is your fault. (Unfortunately, other people in society will also blame the woman, even if the husband is responsible for his choices.)

Also, in life, we internalize an internal judgmental voice (like a "parent") which judges us based on the social norms that we absorb from other people. This inner voice will continue to judge us even if those people are no longer around (and, in this case, it sounds like there are people who may still be actively reinforcing these ideas). 

Many Muslim women, especially in our generation and above, internalized a voice that said that being a good Muslim woman means being married and having children, and a woman who gets divorced is bad. This idea is more about social expectations (or wanting the security of a marriage for a daughter) rather than Allah or faith.

However, it is common for Muslim women who grew up around these ideas to deal with guilt after divorce, and it can take time to revise one's ideas about what is genuinely important before Allah and in the next life and offload social expectations that no longer serve us.

Sometimes this is also a way of processing trauma as well.

In all these cases, probably the best way to handle it is through qualified psychological counselling/therapy as well as reflection on what is really important in matters of faith. Sometimes, just identifying the issue is a step forward. 

Wishing you the best!
I was told by someone that the concept of Khul' does not exist in Shi'a Islam. The woman cannot obtain divorce and the divorces of Shi'a women who have gotten Khul' through court, in Islamic states, are invalid. Is this true?
Sayyed Mohammad Al-Musawi

There are many types of Talaq in Islam of Ahlul Bayt (AS) including Khul'i Talaq.but the concept of Khul' is different between the Islamic rules and general public. Many people think that Khul' is divorce enforced with out any consent of approval of the husband. This is not the real meaning of Khul' in Islamic rules. Khul' is a type of divorce when the wife does not like to continue with her husband and offer him any amount to make him give her divorce. When agrees and takes from her what agreed upon for the Talaq, that Talaq is called Khul'i.

If the husband is doing injustice in his wife and not agreeing to divorce her, she can refer her case to the Islamic authority (Marje' of Taqleed) who takes three steps: 1. Ordering the husband to give his wife all her rights with out any injustice. If husband refuse then 2. Order the husband to give divorce to his wife. If refuses again then 3. The Marje' ' himself give Talaq to this woman to release her from injustice.

Wassalam.
If a couple has not engaged in vaginal intercourse, only oral sex, does the husband need to wait until the wife's next menstrual cycle concludes before proceeding with a divorce?
Sayyed Mohammad Al-Musawi

Vaginal or anal intercourse is an intercourse which has the rules of Iddah and other rules in Talaq. If there was no intercourse at all neither vaginal nor anal, then is no rules of intercourse and husband then can go ahead with divorce with all other conditions and he does not need to wait until his wife;s menstrual cycle concludes.

Wassalam.
If a couple has not engaged in vaginal intercourse, only oral sex, does the husband need to wait until the wife's next menstrual cycle concludes before proceeding with a divorce?
Zaid Alsalami

Bismihi ta'ala

No, the husband does not need to wait.

And Allah knows best