1. Ask A Question About Islam And Muslims
  2. Ask A Question About Islam And Muslims

Ask A Question About Islam And Muslims

88 Questions

My mother is verbally abusive to my wife. My wife is a good mother and wife and I love her. But my mother absolutely hates her. What is my duty to both of them?
Rebecca Masterton

It is unacceptable for a mother-in-law to be verbally abusive to her daughter-in-law. Verbal abuse, jealousy and hatred to that extent can be part of a personality disorder. I can recommend researching in detail the characteristics of the malignant, narcissistic woman and mother. In insulting someone you love, she is also abusing you.  Mothers with a narcissistic personality disorder (as opposed to just being self-centred) are competitive in terms of who their child loves most.

How your children see you behave with your mother and wife will affect their own marriages down the line. Can you ask your mother not to verbally abuse your wife? If you feel you can't, that is revealing something about how your mother has trained you to relate to her, i.e. to remain passive and take the abuse; to not have enough self-worth to even politely ask her not to be verbally abusive.

Your duty is to love and protect your wife. You are the head of your household. You also have to protect the well being of your children. If they see their mother being abused their well being will be affected too. 

According to Ayatollah Dastghayb-Shirazi, you are entitled to minimise or even cut ties with family members whose bad behaviour you can't reform, or whose bad behaviour gets worse by your presence, or whose bad behaviour you indirectly condone by co-operating with them. Being good to your parents does not mean condoning behaviour that could destroy your family.

https://www.al-islam.org/greater-sins-volume-1-sayyid-abdul-husayn-dastg...
I tried advising my father to be nice to my mother after he was rude to her. I did not intend to upset him but he still got angry. Will his anger affect my life? What can I do to protect myself if he gets angry again for no reason?
Rebecca Masterton

You may want to look on youtube at videos on narcissistic personality disorder. Rages can be a symptom of that. There are coaches on-line that teach you how to protect yourself. I can recommend Dr Ramani, Anna Runkle, and Dr Daniel Fox. Look up the 'grey rock' method. Also be careful that you are not being used emotionally by your mother as a 'flying monkey', or that you are being 'parentified' (i.e. your mother is the child and you are the parent that feels you have to protect her). Not saying that this is happening, but it is something to be aware of.
I am a 32 year old married woman and I think that my mother doesn't like me much. Some of her comments really break my heart and there's nothing I can do. Sometimes these harsh comments are also for my kids. What should I do?
Sayyed Mohammad Al-Musawi

This is going on in thousands of families but you as a believing and God fearing person should deal with it carefully and humbly. 
You must tolerate your mother in every possible way. She is after all your mother and her right in you is greater than explaining. Even if the parents were non believers,b their rights as parents remains great in their children. Try your best to avoid instigating her by any word or act, and always tolerate her behavior and comments. It might be a test for you from Allah to examine your faith in Allah. Never react badly to any of her behavior and comments. Annoying your mother or father causes anger of Allah on you, God forbid.

Wassalam.
If I haven't see my mother in my dream after her death, while she has appeared in the dreams of other relatives, does that indicate her anger at me?
Amina Inloes

No - some people remember their dreams better than others or are more open to these things. Also you can't be sure that other people's dreams are actual communication, although sometimes you get an idea one way or the other.

Inshallah she would not have reasons to be angry to you after she has passed on - many things we are angry about in life become unimportant once we are not dealing with the material and social realities of this world. Allah also says in the Qur'an that He will remove bad feelings from people's hearts in jannah.

However if you are concerned that she is angry at you, you could pray that she forgives you.

Sorry to hear about your loss.