Clean Your Window
He created for you mates from your own selves that you may take comfort in them, and He ordained affection and mercy between you. There are indeed signs in that for a people who reflect. (Qur’an, 30:21).
In life, no matter how much good there is, you can always find something bad if you look for it. You can find some fault, some weakness, something that you do not understand or like. Either you can develop an eye for the good, or you can develop a critical eye and always see the bad.
You can extend your glance toward what people have or you can fix your eyes at good things Almighty God has provided for you. God says,
“Do not linger with your eyes on what We have bestowed upon some couples from them, and do not grieve for them, and lower your wing for the believers.” (Qur’an, 15:88).
This is why marriages are in so much trouble today. A spouse or both spouses have developed a habit of being negative and only seeing the negative. They have become too critical and view everything through their critical eye.
You can train yourself to see your spouse’s strengths, or you can train yourself to see their weaknesses. You can focus on what you like about your spouse and magnify their good qualities, or you can focus on what you do not like and magnify the things that annoy you. Jesus (peace be upon him) and his disciples walked across a street. In the middle of the street was laying a dog.
It was dead probably since several weeks. The disciples stopped Jesus and asked him, “Did you see that poor dead dog? Its body is in such an awful shape. The worms already have eaten the half of it.” Jesus answered: “No, I have not seen that. But have you seen these beautiful white teeth from that dog.”
If you choose for the positive, it does not mean that you are blind for the so-called reality. It simply means that you have made a conscious decision. It means you know the right of your spouse.
Imam Sajjad1 (peace be upon him) said, “The right of your wife is that you know that God has made her a repose and a comfort for you; so know that she is God’s favor toward you, so you should honor her and treat her gently. You must treat her with compassion, feed her and clothe her and whenever her ignorance troubles you, you should pardon her.”2
Some people have become so critically minded that no matter what the other one does, it is not going to be right. They never see the good their spouse does anymore, and they have forgotten the reasons they fell in love and got married. It is because they are magnifying the wrong things.
We all may have faults and things that can get on each other’s nerves. However, the key is; what are you magnifying? Are you just magnifying that annoyance, letting a critical spirit rise up? Are you choosing to see the good and only focusing on the good? If you are negative toward your spouse and you operate out of a critical spirit, it is going to poison your whole outlook.
You will not communicate properly. You will not want to do things together, and it will affect you in every area. After all, when you are critical, you begin to nag and exaggerate and make a big deal out of things that are not big deals; “Well, you never take out the trash. Well, you never spend any time with me. You are always late.”
Qur’an says about spouses:
“They are a garment for you, and you are a garment for them.” (Qur’an, 2:187).
Therefore, you should save your spouse. Think about the purpose of marriage. Why did Almighty God create man and woman?
He created for you mates from your own selves that you may take comfort in them, and He ordained affection and mercy between you. There are indeed signs in that for a people who reflect. (Qur’an, 30:21).
Therefore, they should not criticize each other. They should avoid suspicion; avoid spying or backbiting one another.
O you who have faith! Avoid much suspicion. Indeed some suspicions are sins. Do not spy on or backbite one another. Will any of you love to eat the flesh of his dead brother? You would hate it. Be wary of God; indeed God is all-clement, all-merciful. (Qur’an, 49:12).
Know that usually people respond to praise more than they respond to criticism. The next time you want your husband to mow the lawn, instead of nagging and saying: “You lazy thing. When are you ever going to mow our lawn? It looks so bad.” Just say, “Did I ever tell you that when you are out there mowing the lawn, you look really good? You praise him like that, and he will mow the lawn every day!” People respond to praise more than criticism.
When you are constantly critical, you have to realize the problem is not with your spouse or your friend. It is not even with your circumstances. The problem is with you.
Imam Al-Sadiq (peace be upon him) said, “Jesus always said to his companions if you are my friends and my brothers, do not feud people nor hate them. If you do not, then you are not my brothers. Do not look into people’s flaws. But think about your salvation because you are servants.” Moreover, Imam Ali (peace be upon him) said, “It is enough for the ignorance of a person to pay attention to the fault of people while he is unaware of the same fault on himself.”3
There was a couple that moved into a new neighborhood. Early one morning while they were eating, the woman looked out the window and saw the neighbor hanging her wash out on the line to dry. She noticed that the wash was so dirty and so dingy. She said to her husband, “That neighbor does not know how to wash. Her clothes are not clean.
I wonder if she even uses detergent.” Day after day, she made these same comments. “I cannot believe she lets her family wear those dirty, dingy clothes.” Several weeks later, she looked out that window, and the clothes were just as bright, clean, and beautiful as could be. She was so surprised. She called her husband and said, “Honey, look. The woman finally learned how to wash. I wonder what happened.” The husband smiled and said, “Honey, I got up early this morning and cleaned our window.”
The problem was not that the neighbor had dirty laundry. The problem was the window she was looking through was not clean. She was seeing everything through a tainted filter. It is the same way beauty; or you only see the scratch in the floor and never the amazing house; if you never see what your spouse does right and only what they do wrong, then my encouragement to you is to clean your window.
The problem is not with your spouse. It is an internal issue. Holy Prophet (peace be upon him and his pure progeny) said, “Blessed is he who, according to his fault he keeps looking to his brothers faults.”4
If you struggle in this area, I would encourage you to make a list of the qualities that you like about your spouse. Write down the things that they do right. He may not be a good communicator, but he is a hard worker. Put that on your list. She may have some weaknesses, but she is a great mother. She is smart. She is intelligent. Write that down. Every day go over it. Start focusing on their good qualities.
Live with them in kindness. If you dislike them, then perhaps you may dislike something and God makes in it much good. (Qur’an, 4:19).
You have to make a switch. Decide today to start appreciating your spouse’s strengths and learn to downplay their weaknesses. If you do, your marriage will be filled with more peace, unity and love, and you will see God bless your marriage and your life in greater ways. Do not forget that “anyone who is kind to his spouse, God will provide him with a long life.”5
