1. Ask A Question About Islam And Muslims
  2. Ask A Question About Islam And Muslims

Ask A Question About Islam And Muslims

88 Questions

After enduring 20 years in an abusive marriage, that ended in divorce, and raising my children alone, why do I still feel guilty and fear hell, especially when my mother and brother don't accept me and consistently make me feel bad whenever we interact?
Amina Inloes

I am sorry to hear about your situation.

This is probably due to the psychology of being in an abusive marriage; possibly the abuser always said directly or indirectly that whatever happens is your fault. (Unfortunately, other people in society will also blame the woman, even if the husband is responsible for his choices.)

Also, in life, we internalize an internal judgmental voice (like a "parent") which judges us based on the social norms that we absorb from other people. This inner voice will continue to judge us even if those people are no longer around (and, in this case, it sounds like there are people who may still be actively reinforcing these ideas). 

Many Muslim women, especially in our generation and above, internalized a voice that said that being a good Muslim woman means being married and having children, and a woman who gets divorced is bad. This idea is more about social expectations (or wanting the security of a marriage for a daughter) rather than Allah or faith.

However, it is common for Muslim women who grew up around these ideas to deal with guilt after divorce, and it can take time to revise one's ideas about what is genuinely important before Allah and in the next life and offload social expectations that no longer serve us.

Sometimes this is also a way of processing trauma as well.

In all these cases, probably the best way to handle it is through qualified psychological counselling/therapy as well as reflection on what is really important in matters of faith. Sometimes, just identifying the issue is a step forward. 

Wishing you the best!
What does Islam teach regarding a situation where a 24-year-old hits their mother back after she hits and verbally abuses them?
Sayyed Mohammad Al-Musawi

Hurting any of the parents is one of most dangerous major sins which lead to hellfire. If your parents hit you or verbally abuse you, you must tolerate and never do anything which can hurt their feelings. Allah is Angry with any one who makes his parents or any of them, unhappy.

Wassalam.
Is it permissible for a son to protect his mother by retaliating against his father who beats her severely? If not, what is the Kaffarah for such an act?
Sayyed Muhammad Husaini Ragheb

Salaam
In any case, children do not have the right to hit or even to raise their voices against their parents. Showing anger towards parents and shouting at them out of anger is forbidden let alone hitting them which will be punished by very severe and heavy punishment.
You have to only ask him to stop beating her and if you can become a block on the way of her getting hit then do it. But you have no right to hit your father back.
As for Kaffarah there's nothing mentioned in this regard. Just try to ask him for forgiveness in a polite manner so that he forgives you and try to make him happy. This way we hope that he changes his attitude towards your mother too.
Will I be held accountable by Allah if I raise my voice or explain things to my aging mother who reacts strongly to small things?
Sayyed Mohammad Al-Musawi

Yes. It is wrong to raise your voice when talking to your mother. Whatever she does, you must remain completely polite with her and serve her like a humble servant.

Wassalam.