Contents: This final Chapter is an extract from the valuable book entitled, The Islamic Family Structure, which is a compilation of lectures delivered by Shaykh Husayn Ansaryan, a well-known scholar in Iran, which was later transcribed into a book and is now also available in English.

There are many valuable things mentioned in this book which each and every couple should read. However, to be brief and to stay on our topic of 'A Mother's Prayer', we have chosen excerpts from three Chapters (with slight editing of the text).1

The Period Of Pregnancy

The mother is the centre of love and affection and is an example of Allah's Mercy to humanity. She is eager to have a baby and see her child's pretty, innocent face however at the same time, the duration of the pregnancy is a very difficult period filled with anxiety and various physical and spiritual stresses.

The husband, the relatives on both sides (of the couple) and their friends should all take care of a woman during her pregnancy period since any yelling, screaming, vulgarity, bad-temper, or any other form of harassment upon the pregnant woman would not only hurt her, but it would also have a negative influence on the baby.

If a couple lives in the house of either of their parents, then the parents are morally bound and religiously obligated to not only avoid provoking the husband against his pregnant wife, but they also must be considerate of the pregnant woman. The husband's parents should avoid interfering in the couple's peaceful life, and the wife's parents too should try not to be picky in relation to the husband.

Both sides are responsible for the couple and the unborn baby. If the fetus is harmed even slightly by the quarrels, bad tempers or excessive expectations of either side of the family, they will undoubtedly be answerable to Allah (SwT) in His Court of Justice and shall be seriously punished for their acts of oppression.

The Noble Qur'an holds each and every individual responsible for every act they perform from the smallest sin to the biggest transgression:

فَوَرَبِّكَ لَنَسْأَلَنَّهُمْ أَجْمَعِينَ

So, by your Lord, We would most certainly question them all (15:92).

عَمَّا كَانُوا يَعْمَلُونَ

As to what they did (15:93).

وَقِفُوهُمْ إِنَّهُمْ مَسْئُولُونَ

But stop them [O' Muhammad], for they will Surely, be asked [as to what they have done] (37:24).

I have received many letters from young couples during my religious lectures all over Iran, and have helped resolve many family conflicts and have noticed that a majority of the problems are related to the relatives of the couple usually some unreasonable expectations of the husband's father or mother, or the pickiness of the woman's parents.

In these regards, Imam Ja'far Ibn Muhammad as-Sadiq (‘a) has said that the source of many of these immoral encounters within the family structure is the result of jealousy among the family members!

Sometimes, the religious or moral shortcomings of the family worsen the situation to the point of divorce. As you know, by nature, every man or woman seeks freedom and independence and restriction of this Allah (SwT)-given freedom by anyone is a great vice and a sin. In fact, it is necessary for everyone to respect the human rights, freedom and independence of everyone at all times and under all circumstances.

Both sets of in-laws should treat the couple kindly and with love and affection. Both parents should associate with the young couple, however they must avoid gossiping or interfering in their life while doing so.

In relation to the living arrangements, if the two families can provide a separate housing arrangement for the newly-wed couple without experiencing great difficulty, then this would be the best option. However, if they cannot provide a separate house for them, then they should let them live in a part of their own house. But they should try not to bother them, since in the beginning of the couple's life together, they are filled with love for one another and this must be permitted to mature and grow.

The woman is Allah (SwT)'s trust to the family of the husband. She has left her own family with great hopes and aspirations and has entered a new life. The man also is Allah (SwT)'s blessing in the family of the bride; thus, the in-laws must take care of both of these blessings just as they take care of their own children! Such caring is in line with the Noble Qur'an and traditions of the Prophet and is considered to be equivalent to the worship of Allah (SwT) with the reward being Allah (SwT)'s pleasure and eternal Paradise.

The parents of both the bride and the groom have either experienced the kindness and nobility of their near relatives and started a good life, or they have been seriously hurt by their family members when they themselves first got married.

In either case, they should now help safeguard the ties of marriage of the newly-wed couple by providing for their peace and security and avoiding any undue interference. In this way, the young couple can enjoy their life and benefit from the blessings given by Allah (SwT), instead of being hurt or separated due to improper intervention and unreasonable expectations.

I remember seeing the following tradition in the book Usul al-Kafi in which the sixth Imam, Ja'far Ibn Muhammad as-Sadiq (‘a) said that the first piece of advice given to Adam by Allah (SwT) 'it when he started his life on Earth was:

Want for others what you want for yourself, and do not approve anything for others what you do not approve for yourself."

Thus, the relatives and friends of both the bride and the groom should follow these words and if this is done, then there will be fewer problems, and what little problems remain can easily be resolved.

As for the actual pregnancy of the woman, consider the following Verses of the Noble Qur'an:

…حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ وَهْناً عَلَى وَهْنٍ وَفِصَالُهُ فِي عَامَيْنِ...

…In difficulty upon difficulty did his mother bear him, and the period of his breastfeeding is two years… (31:14).

ووصينا الإِنْسَانَ بوَالدَيْهِ إِحْسَانًا حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ كُرْهَا وَوَضَعَتْهُ كُرْهاً

We have enjoined on man kindness to his parents. In pain did his mother bear him, and in pain did she give birth to him (46:15).

Do you not think that we should respect the pregnant woman during this strenuous period which is full of weakness, anxiety and suffering? Being considerate of her is her husband's moral and religious duty, and next it is the responsibility of all her relatives such that the physical and mental health of both the mother and the baby are safeguarded.

Duties During Pregnancy

The stage of pregnancy is a tiresome and difficult period during which various systems in the body undergo some remarkable changes. If it was not for the love of the child, mothers who have once become pregnant would refuse a second pregnancy!

In this period, some of the internal glands start to increase secretions, and the body uses more and more nutrients. However, at the same time, we know that the pregnant woman cannot eat food property due to nausea, and a lack of appetite.

Some women go on a rigid diet to stay slim and do not let the fetus grow too big since they feel that this would hurt their physical appearance. They avoid eating good foods so that the baby does not grow too much such that their skin will sag after delivery or that they have to undergo a difficult delivery. They do not realize that now there are two people mother and baby and their diet must be such that it provides the necessary nutrients for the growth of the baby as well as for the mother.

To keep at a reasonable weight and provide for the health of the mother and the proper growth of the child, a well-balanced diet must be established. During this period of over secretion of the glands, food is absorbed and burnt rapidly. A majority of the food intake is absorbed by the fetus, and if this was not the case, then the woman would become extremely fat during this period.

There are many books which explain ways to help safeguard the health of the child and the mother. In addition, there are many details like the kind of clothes, their colour, the shoes, the mother's associations, and so on which also affect the baby. Similarly, if the mother neglects Allah (SwT) and does not pay enough attention to her religious duties and reciting the Qur'an, then the baby's mental and spiritual growth will also be affected.

In closing, pregnancy itself is considered a form of worship with a great reward. The Prophet said:

When a woman becomes pregnant, she is similar to one who fasts, stays up at night to worship Allah (SwT) and fights for Allah (SwT) with her wealth and her life.2

Delivery

Although the birth of a child is a pleasant experience for the mother, the father and the relatives (since a new baby is being brought into the world), it is very painful for the mother. The A'immah have said that labour has a great reward and is considered to be at the level of worship of Allah (SwT).

The Prophet Muhammad (S) has said:

When a woman delivers her baby, she will have a reward which is so great that it is incomprehensible.3

Imam Ja'far Ibn Muhammad as-Sadiq (‘a) has said:

A woman who dies during delivery will not be accountable for her deeds in this world, since she has died in the sorrow of childbirth''

The Position And Worth Of Children

A child - whether male or female - is the greatest and most beneficial blessing which Allah (SwT) it has favoured His servants with. A child is a great blessing, a source of goodness, and a benefit both in this World and in the Hereafter for an individual. Of course, such a blessing is for that person who has true belief in Allah (SwT) and due to his beliefs, trains his child to be a righteous believer and a good and worthy person.

It has been narrated in history that at one point in his life, Prophet Ibrahim did not have any children and was sad about this, and thus, even in very old age he prayed for a child and Allah (SwT) gave His worthy servant two sons who were also granted Prophethood: Isma'il and Ishaq.

As for Ishaq, he was the source of the divine Prophets until the time of 'Isa Ibn Mariam; while Isma'il was the source of all the Prophets up to Muhammad Ibn 'Abdullah the last Prophet, and the Immaculate A'immah as well as thousands of wise men, mystics and religious jurisprudents.

Once he was granted righteous offspring, we see that Prophet Ibrahim wholeheartedly praised Allah (SwT) because once being granted offspring, one must praise Allah (SwT):

الْحَمْدُ لله الذي وَهَبْ لى عَلَى الْكَبَرِ إِسْمَاعِيلَ وَإِسْحَقَ إِنْ ربي لسَمِيعُ الدُّعَاء

All the Praise belongs to Allah who has granted me in my old age, Isma'il and Is’haq, for truly my Lord is He, the Hearer of the Prayer (14:39).

We understand from this noble Verse that the position of child is so important in life that Prophet Ibrahim requested them from Allah (SwT) even in his old age and his prayer was answered.

The Prophet of Islam (S) has stated:

There are five types of people who leave this world, however their record (of deeds) will not been closed and thus, rewards will continue to be bestowed upon them: The one who plants a tree; the one who digs a water well for others to use; the one who builds a Masjid; the one who writes down the Qur'an which others read from; and the one who leaves behind a righteous child. "4

Imam 'Ali Ibn Husayn as-Sajjad (‘a) has said:

"A Muslim man is fortunate in these (three) regards that his place of business (work) is in a small city in which he lives in so that he can see his family after a day's work; that his friends are worthy and pious; and that he has a child whose help he can benefit from”5

How blessed is a worthy child that the Glorious Qur'an tells us:

وَ اللهُ جَعَلَ لَكُمْ مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجاً وَجَعَلَ لَكُمْ مِّنْ أَزْوَاجِكُمْ بنِينَ وَحَفدَةً وَرَزَقَكُمْ مِنَ الطَّيِّبَاتِ

And Allah has made for you mates (and companions) from your own species and made for you, out of them, sons and daughters and grandchildren and provided for you sustenance from the best things available (16:72).

Love For Children And Showing Affection To Them

Some people do not show much affection to their children in fact, some do not show affection to them at all! Other people are harsh and strict when interacting with their children, however these people must know that by using this method which is both inhumane and un-Islamic they shall be deprived of Allah (SwT)'s mercy.

The sixth Imam, Ja'far Ibn Muhammad as-Sadiq (‘a) has said:

Certainly, Allah shows mercy upon His servants who have strong love for their offspring. 6

Imam Ja'far Ibn Muhammad as-Sadiq (‘a) has also said:

Prophet Musa said the following to Allah when he was on the mountain of Tur: O' Allah! Which action is the best one according to You?" Allah replied: "Loving children is the best act.''

In the valuable book Rawdhat al-Waidhin, it has been narrated from one of the A'immah said that:

Kiss your children a great deal because for every kiss, you will be granted a Divine heavenly rank which would otherwise take 500 years to achieve!

A man once came to the Noble Messenger of Islam and said: "I have never kissed my child." The Messenger said:

“Surely, a man like this will be a resident of the fire of Hell.''

Allah’s Will In Granting A Child

Allah (SwT) is the Creator of all and He creates what He wills. He is the owner of the Heavens and the Earth, the Wise, the Powerful, the Just, the Merciful and the Benevolent. His will and decision regarding His servants is pure kindness and favour. He is the manifestation of love, mercy, nobleness and proper choosing. Whatever He wants for His servants is appropriate for them in this World and in the Hereafter and the servant must submit entirely to Allah (SwT)'s Wisdom, Mercy and Will.

This type of submission is the highest form of spiritual worship and stems from the morality of the Prophets and the Saints, and is a sign of love and understanding for Allah (SwT)'s lovers and mystics. All of the following cases are from Allah (SwT)'s pure Mercy, Kindness and His burning Love for His servants: the barren parents; the ones with a daughter; the ones with a son; and the mother who bears twins one being a girl and one being a boy.

لِلَّهِ مُلْكُ السَّمَاوَاتِ وَالْأَرْضِ يَخْلُقُ مَا يَشَاءُ يَهَبُ لِمَنْ يَشَاءُ إِنَاثًا وَيَهَبُ لِمَنْ يَشَاءُ الذُّكُورَ

To Allah belongs the dominion of the Heavens and the Earth. He creates what He wills. He bestows (children) male or female according to His Will (42:49).

أَوْ يُزَوِّجُهُمْ ذُكْرَانًا وَإِنَاثًا وَيَجْعَلُ مَنْ يَشَاءُ عَقِيمًا إِنَّهُ عَلِيمٌ قَدِيرٌ

Or He bestows both males and females, and He leaves barren whom He wills. Surely, He is All-Knowing, All­ Powerful. (42:50).

Based on these noble Verses of the Qur'an, female children are an aspect of the Kingship of Allah (SwT) and the manifestation of His will in Creation and the light of His Knowledge and Power in regards to mankind.

Thus, His Knowledge and Power, Action and Will, Rule and Ownership deemed the couple to have a daughter. Getting upset about having a daughter is a great sin since it implies being upset with Divine Ownership, Creation, Choice, Knowledge and Ability not only this, but it is also unintelligent, illogical and unwise.

In the book Maskan ul-Fu'ad, the author has narrated a hadith from Imam Ja'far Ibn Muhammad as-Sadiq (‘a) in which he has said:

"If a person has patience when his baby dies and does not cry a lot, then he will be granted a reward which is greater than if the baby had not died, but grew up and fought as a soldier in the army of Imam al-Mahdi and became a martyr in Allah's way. "

In the 28th Verse of Surah al-Anfal, we are told that children are Allah (SwT)'s test for humanity and if a person is pleased with his child, then he has passed this test. If he tries to educate him and teach him religion, provides the means for his marriage as much as he can, respects him, honours him and respect his rights, then he shall attain a great reward, just as the Noble Qur'an has said:

وَاعْلَمُوا أَنَّمَا أَمْوَالُكُمْ وَأَوْلَادُكُمْ فِتْنَةٌ وَأَنَّ اللَّهَ عِنْدَهُ أَجْرٌ عَظِيمٌ

Wealth and sons are allurements of the life of this world. But the things that endure good deeds are best in the sight of your Lord as rewards, and best as (the foundation for) hopes (18:46).

One who strives to raise his children and seeks to acquaint them with Allah (SwT) the Prophets, the leadership of the A'immah and the Noble Qur'an will leave a valuable thing behind which cannot be matched and this is better for him in the presence of Allah (SwT) and the best thing for his Hereafter.

Were not Mariam Bint Imran, Khadijah Bint Khuwaylid, Asiyah Bint Mazahim and Fatimah Bint Muhammad the best children that their fathers left behind? Thus, why should anyone get upset about having a daughter?

Who knows what is in the womb? Does anybody's will except for Allah (SwT)'s affect the gender of the baby in the womb? This is Allah (SwT)'s will and we must surrender to it. It is His Mercy, Favour and Kindness to grant us a daughter and thus, we should thank Him all our life for being blessed with a daughter.

Remember that the Prophet Muhammad (S) was granted four sons named Qasim, Tayyib, Tahir and Ibrahim, however none of them survived. In addition, we see that Allah (SwT) never congratulated him for having a son, nor was any special verse of the Noble Qur'an revealed on these occasions.

However, when Sayyidah Khadijah became pregnant with Fatimah, the Surah of al-Kawthar of the Qur'an was revealed and through this, the Prophet was informed of receiving a great deal of blessings, and eternal goodness (in the form of a daughter)!

Highly Important Traditions Regarding Raising Daughter

It is recommended to pray to Allah (SwT) to grant you a daughter, if you do not have one.

We see that Prophet Ibrahim who had two sons, Is-haq and Isma'il' prayed to Allah to grant him a daughter and his prayer has been quoted by Imam Ja'far Ibn Muhammad as-Sadiq (‘a) where he has told us that, Ibrahim asked Allah to grant him a daughter so that there would be someone to cry for him after his death and to remember him.7

What is important in this tradition is not the goal (to have a daughter), rather it is the fact that a Prophet prays to Allah (SwT) to be granted a daughter. It is an honour to be the father of a girl, just as the Noble Prophet of Islam (S) was and it is a real honour to have a daughter and become similar to the Prophet in this regard.

The Prophet Muhammad (S) has said:

Daughters are a blessing: they are kind, helpful good companions, blessed, and like cleanliness. 8

During the time of Imam Ja'far Ibn Muhammad as-Sadiq (‘a), a man's wife delivered a girl. This man came to Imam as-Sadiq (‘a)' upset and angry. The Imam asked him, “What would you say if Allah sent you a revelation and asked you if you will let Him choose the gender of your child?"

He said: “Of course, I would ask Allah to choose for me” Then, the Imam said: “Well now Allah has chosen a daughter for you. Do you remember the story of Musa and Khidhr when Khidhr killed that child by Allah's command and he told Musa: We willed that Allah should give to his parents a better and more merciful child instead of him?”

فَأَرَدْنَا أَنْ يُبْدِلَهُمَا رَبُّهُمَا خَيْرًا مِنْهُ زَكَاةً وَأَقْرَبَ رُحْمًا

So We desired that their Lord would give them in exchange (of a son) one who is better in purity (of conduct) and closer in affection (18:81).

The Imam continued by saying, “Instead of that child (a boy) who was killed by Khidhr (and to which Musa objected to), Allah granted the parents of that boy a daughter, from whose generation came seventy Prophets"9

Imam Ja'far Ibn Muhammad as-Sadiq (‘a) has said:

“Daughters are good deeds and boys are Allah’s blessings. Good deeds will be given a reward, but one will be questioned about his or her blessings” 10

The Prophet of Islam (S) has said:

“One who goes to the market and buys something and brings it home for his wife and children is similar to one who supports the needy. It is better to give a priority to daughters in gifts. In fact, whoever pleases his daughter gets the reward of having freed one of the slaves from the line of Prophet Isma'il.”11

What an amazing tradition! No other culture has supported having daughters this much in human history as Islam does!

In addition, the Prophet of Islam (S) has said:

“Do not hit your babies, since their crying has a meaning. The first four months of crying is professing the unity of Allah, the second four months of crying is their sending blessings upon the Prophet and his family and the third four months of crying is the baby praying for the parents.12

Therefore, the parents must not beat one who is professing Allah's unity, sending salutations upon the Prophet and his family or praying for his parents, rather, one must be considerate of such a person, and be kind to him!

In closing, consider the following important tradition: Sakuni, who was one of the companions of Imam Ja'far Ibn Muhammad as-Sadiq (‘a) said: I went to see Imam Ja'far Ibn Muhammad as­ Sadiq (‘a) when I was really sad.

He asked me the reason why I was in such a state and I replied that my wife had delivered a girl to which the Imam said: The Earth will support her and Allah will give her sustenance for she lives in a different time period than you and she will eat her own share of daily bread.

Then by Allah I was relieved of the burden. Then the Imam asked me what name I had chosen for her and when I said Fatimah, he put his hand on his forehead, gave a sigh of relief and said: 'Now that you have named her Fatimah do not beat her, swear at her, or curse her.13

The ABCs Of Upbringing Children By Arifa Hudda

Accept your child the way he is.

Build on the talents of your child, rather than criticizing his defects.

Conceal the faults and mistakes of your child from others.

Do not degrade your child for his shortcomings. for everyone of us has some.

Encourage your child to pursue his goals.

Forbearance and patience must be shown at all times.

Give your child the understanding and support that he needs.

Help your child when he comes across a difficulty or dead end.

lnquire about the sorrows and unhappiness of your child.

Justice must be observed between all of your children.

Keep the channel of communication open with your child at all times.

Lend an ear to your child in times of distress.

Moral support towards your child is very important.

Never lie to your child about anything, or make false promises.

Obliging a child to do things exactly the way you want them done will turn them away from you.

Praise the child only to the extent of his deed (do not over-exaggerate).

Quietly and calmly speak to your child, do not raise your voice.

Respect your child for he too is a human being.

Show your child how things are to be done, rather than expecting them to know.

Teach your child manners and etiquette with your actions rather than your words.

Upbringing your child in the proper Islamic way will make a brighter future for all.

Vows and promises made to the child must be kept.

Warm, loving words said to the child will have more of an affect than harsh ones.

EXamine the faults in yourself and improve them first, rather than condemning the child for the same things.

Yelling at children will only make them yell back at you.

Zeal and eagerness of you r child, especially in regards to his talents should be encouraged.

• 1. This work has been published in English by Ansariyan Publications (no relation to the author of the book) and can be purchased from many leading Muslim bookstores such as www.al-haqq.com.
• 2. Bihar Al-Anwar, Volume 101, Page 106
• 3. Bihar Al-Anwar, Volume 101, Page 106 and 107
• 4. Bihar Al-Anwar, Volume 94, Page 107.
• 5. Bihar Al-Anwar, Volume 103, Page 7.
• 6. Bihar Al-Anwar, Volume 103, Page 7.
• 7. Wasa’il ash-Shi’a, Volume 21, Page 361
• 8. Wasa’il ash-Shi’a, Volume 21, Page 362
• 9. Al-Kafi, Volume 6, Page 6; Wasa’il ash-Shi’a, Volume 21
• 10. Wasa’il ash-Shi’a, Volume 21, Page 365-366
• 11. Bihar Al-Anwar, Volume 104, Page 69
• 12. Bihar Al-Anwar, Volume 60, Page 381
• 13. Al-Kafi, Volume 6, Page 48; Makarim Al-Akhlaq, Page 220; Wasa’il ash-Shi’a, Volume 21, Page 482