Raising A Godly Child 3/4

'A'udhu billahi min al-Shaytan, al-la'in, al-rajim. Bismillah Al-Rahman Al-Rahim. Al-hamdulil-Lahi Rabbi 'l-Alameen, wa as-salat, wa as-salam 'ala Sayyid Al-Anbiya'i, wa Khatim al-Mursaleen, Sayyidina, wa Nabiyyina, Abil Qasim Muhammad, wa 'ala ahlih, at-tayyibin, at-taharin, al-masoomeen. Amma ba'ad. Dear viewers, As-salaam alaykum, peace be upon all of you.

This is the third segment of our discussion on Raising a Godly Child, where we are talking about the method of raising a child from the Islamic perspective. In the last two segments, we talked about number one, the importance of parenting because this is not only part of our human nature but from the Islamic point of view, it is a noble task. The second point, as a summary I would like to mention is that our discussion is based on the famous saying of the Prophet of Islam peace be upon him and his family, where he divided the process of raising a child into 3 segments of 7 years, each from birth to 7, then from 8 to 14, and from age 15 to 21.

We talked about the first stage. In this saying the Prophet said that 'Al waladu sayyidun saba' sineen, wa 'abdun saba' sineen, wa wazeerun saba' sineen.' In the first stage, according with the Prophet, the child is the master, and what that meant was that the child is to be considered as a child and don't burden the child with formal method of education. The fourth point I would like to emphasize as a summary of our previous discussions, is that when we talk about the first stage of raising a child from birth to age 7, the first priority is given to Tarbiyat. Tarbiyat means character building and Ta'leem, the formal education takes second reposition. And when we talk about Tarbiyat, we have to realize that the most important element in character building of a child is providing the child with a good role model in the form of the parents, the siblings, and the mentors.

As I said in the previous talks that remember that children don't listen to what you say, they see what you do. So providing their positive role model is actually the key to a good character building. The final point as a summary was the issue of the environment at home. That is the second most important element in character building during the first 7 years of a child's life.

Let me now move further and talk about the second stage of raising a child. The Prophet had mentioned in his saying that from age 8 to 14, the child is to be considered like a slave. Now remember the words master for the first 7 years and slave for the second 7 years. These are not to be taken in literal sense, as I had emphasized earlier that these terms have been used in a metaphorical sense, and it reflects the challenges that the parents, you know, face in how, in the method of reaction between the parents and the children.

When the Prophet says that in the second stage of the upbringing, the child is a Abd, he is a slave. What it means is that now the roles of the parents viz a viz the child has changed. Now, the parents are like the masters and the child is like a slave. What it means is that the parents have to be more vigilant and they have to use more, you know discipline when it comes to a character building and education of the child. I had mentioned that in the first stage, you know, character building the process of Tarbiyat was given the first priority and formal education, Ta'leem was secondary. In the second stage of raising a child from age 8 to 14, we see that now Ta'leem and Tarbiyat means character building as well as formal education go hand in hand. They become equally important in the second stage of raising our children.

Let me now talk about the Ta'leem, the formal education process for the second stage of a child's upbringing. Our discussion can be divided on when we talk about formal education into secular education, and then we will talk about religious education. From the perspective of secular formal education, we see that the Prophet Muhammad and the Imams of Ahlul Bayt have not given any specific list of subjects to be studied in secular knowledge, in acquiring secular knowledge. And the reason is very obvious because when we look at secular sciences, you know, secular sciences will always be evolving and expanding, and therefore no list can be considered as final. You have to look at the time and the space that you find yourself in, assess the needs of the society, especially the needs of your own Muslim community and then you have to guide your child in the appropriate field of knowledge and the profession that they will be choosing later on in their adult life.

However, what I would like to say when we talk about the secular formal education for a Muslim child, there are two points that we must keep in mind. The first thing is that the Prophet Muhammad and the Imams have emphasized on the tool of seeking knowledge. What is the tool of seeking knowledge? It is literacy, the ability to read and write. This becomes the window or the vehicle by which we seek knowledge.

Talking about the duties of the parents, Imam Ja'far Al-Sadiq , the 6th Imam of the Shi'a Muslims, he says that and to teach the art of writing for 7 years, it's one of the duties of the parents towards the child is that they have to make sure that for 7 years, second 7 years of their upbringing, they learn and master how to read and write. In another Hadith, it says that the right of the child on the father is that he should give him a good name and to teach him the art of writing. We also see that the first revelation of the Qur'an, the Scripture of the Muslims started with the words Iqra, which means read.

And so basically we are been told that this is a religion which is based on the concept of reading. You know, to read and to write these are the tools of seeking knowledge. With literacy, you should also inculcate the love of reading in your children. You have to realize that these things don't come automatically as parents, so we have to encourage them and help them and inculcate this love for reading within themselves because this is not only a secular need, it also has a religious emphasis in our faith.

During the first and the second stage, you know, it's important for the parents during the preschool era as well as the elementary school, because when we look at the age 8 to 14, the second stage of raising a child, this is the time when the child goes to the elementary school. And it's important for the parents at that stage in their child's life to become their partner in reading because you have to realize that when they reach to their early teens, then you don't necessarily have become their reading partner and buddy, but you can become a guide in selecting what they should be reading. Because you have to realize that written words are not only words, they influence the ideas and thoughts of the reader.

I remember in my own early, you know, teen years when it came to leisure reading, my selection and the selection of my late father was very similar. We used to read mostly detective novels, and once, and so you know, we will be reading the books that he would like, and even I would like that. One day my father, you know, saw me reading a book that he had not seen, and so he came to me and he said, he looked at it and then he said 'continue reading,' but he emphasized one point to me and he said 'read what you like, but let me know what you are reading.'

So the point is that, as parents, we should know what our children are reading because words also have impact on the character building and ideas and thoughts of our children. Because we have to, you know, be informed parents and not be just passive parents in the life of our children.

The second point I would like to emphasize when we talk about secular formal education is the issue that, you know, it's not books which are the means of learning and getting information. We live at a time where there are so many other media. We have the television, the movies, the series, Internet, and many other electronic needs of media, of you know, getting knowledge. And it is true, we are told that these days in many homes, the TV has become the alternative parent, especially during the time when both parents are actually working. The child, when the child comes from the elementary school to home, that late evening hours when the child is alone, we have to realize that's one of the difficult challenges that the parents face in this part of the world because at that time the TV takes the place of the parent.

And so when it comes to the TV programmes or the movies or the series that they watch, you know, one of the parents should be with the child. Make it a family event, you know especially at home, it is easy for you to control what is being watched, even if you are looking at, let's say, a neutral and okay video. But then if an inappropriate scene comes, you can change the channel or fast forward the CD, which is not suitable from the Islamic perspective. So make it a family event. Let the father or the mother or both be with the child when they are looking at the TV programmes.

I'll tell you, I'm not in the habit of mentioning personal examples, but I think this is a very important point. You know, I know in my own personal life when I, my young, my children, when they were growing up, my wife actually used to sit down and look at the children's programme also, initially just to see what kind of language they use, the issue of violence, because all those programmes have impact on the character building of the child, and then she will decide which you know programme you will see and which you cannot see. And so this is an important element that we have to keep in our mind.

Remember the famous saying of Imam Ali Ibn Abi Talib, peace be upon him, when he said something very important. He said 'I am surprised of a person, that if food is served to him in darkness, he would not eat that because he would like to see what is going into his belly, whether it's good for him or harmful for him. But he does not care at all about what is going into his mind.' And so we have to realize that just as we give importance to what is going into our belly, whether it's going to be beneficial or harmful to us, we equally have to give or even more importance to what is going into our and our children's minds. And you know, all these ideas and concepts come to us and the minds of our children through the books, through the TV programmes and movie and all other media of education.

Let me also on this theme emphasize on the point of Internet and Webcam. You know, it is becoming a very easily usable technology, and many families have that and we have to realize that parents should supervise the use of Internet, whether it is accessing information or checking on MSN. You know, this should not be left to the child alone. It must be done under supervision. At this stage, there should be no computer inside the child's bedroom or even a TV set. You know, it should be there in the common area of the house where the mother or the father can frequently monitor what is being watched, because this is a serious issue.

People like me who deal with family problems and counselling, we know these are issues not only for children, of course, even for adults, but since we are talking about the issue of raising the child, it is very important that the activities of our children on the Internet, you know, should be supervised at all time. And this is where I would emphasize that as Muslim parents, it is your duty to actually keep yourself abreast with the new technology that your children use in their education system. Only then, you will be able to fulfil the process of you know, raising your children in a way that they will end up as good Muslims and good human beings.

Let me now move on to the religious formal education. Since we are talking about the second stage of raising our child. You know, on the religious issue, our 6th Imam again, Imam Ja'far Al-Sadiq, peace be upon him, has highlighted the issue of learning the religious sources. More emphasis has been placed on learning the Ahadith of the Ahlul Bayt, the Prophet and his family, so that our children may become familiar with the religious sources. Of course, learning the Qur'an, and more so, the translation of the Qur'an is the foundation of our views and our belief system.

There is, for example, a very famous Hadith by our Prophet, Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, where he says that, it is very highly recommended for a Muslim to learn and memorize at least 40 Ahadith. Ahadith are the sayings of Prophet Muhammad. And if they do that, the Prophet says that, that person will be raised on the Day of Judgment as a scholar of religion. So this is a way of emphasizing that Muslims should be in touch with the Qur'an and the Hadith. This is where the role of the weekend Islamic schools, which exclusively deal with religious education, becomes very important and even the fulltime Islamic schools, the day schools, they are also very important, and that's where the children get the opportunity to learn their secular subjects as well as Islamic subjects side by side in the same educational system.

You know, if you look at the example of the granddaughter of Prophet Muhammad and I would like to emphasize this point that it is, that I'm talking about a girl, and so Islam when it talks about the importance of seeking knowledge, this is not only for boys, this is equally important for the girls also. The granddaughter of Prophet Muhammad by the name of Lady Zainab, the daughter of Ali and Fatimah, you know, she is very well known for her wisdom and her knowledge. She is the first narrator of the sermon of her mother on the issue of Fadak, and she had absolute mastery over the Qur'an, in her, which can be seen in her speech, especially after the events of Karbala. And when she was in Kufa during the Khilafat of her father Ali, she also was known as a teacher of Qur'an, teaching Qur'anic commentary to the women of Kufa.

Let me now go on to the second part of the second stage, and that is to do with the issue of Tarbiyat and character building. In the first stage of the raising of a child from birth to age 7, Tarbiyat took first priority. In the second stage where formal education comes in, Tarbiyat will continue in this stage also. Especially when we talk about spiritual training. You know you have to realize that, during the age of 8 to 14, the child would be entering the age of puberty and he or she would be entering the threshold of adulthood. And therefore it is important to guide the child in the right direction. With the physical changes coming, also, when we look at the emotional changes, you know this is where we have to realize that the child is no more in the age of innocence.

Parents should not ignore the role of hormones in the adolescence of their child. For example, the Prophet in one of his saying, he says 'When children reach the age of 7, separate their beds.' Now you know, in the Eastern countries, many of the siblings sleep in, under the same cover but the Prophet is saying that when they reach to the age of 7, they should have their own separate beds, which is emphasizing that you know, be aware of the new challenges and the physical changes which are taking place in your child's life. Sexual feelings cannot be ignored. Most parents will not be comfortable talking about sexuality to their children. And this is where the Madrassa, the weekend Islamic schools help to play a very important role. The parents should ask the Madrassa teacher to address the subject to grade 8 or 9 students, so that they can know their proper Islamic duty about how to handle their own physical desires and the issues of you know cleanliness comes and these are important issues where the children should be taught at the second stage of their upbringing.

The second issue, as far as spiritual training is concerned, is the issue of friends and peers. You know, between the age of 8 and 14, we have noticed their friends and peers gradually take the place of the parents. And this is where you have to be careful that the child is not easily influenced by the negative peer pressure. And this is where you know, the temptation to commit sins is abundant in this part of the world. And so I would like to emphasize that culturally you know, we have to be friends of our children. We should know who are their friends. Now one thing that we see in many, many immigrant families is that when it comes to this second stage of raising the child from age 8 to 14, the emphasis is put more on the girls and the boys are, you know, let go relatively, they are free, and this is a wrong attitude.

We have to realize that the boys are equally or even more susceptible to deviation in this environment at that stage. And so as parents, we have to be careful who are the friends of our children. We have to get closer to our child so that you know, we can guide them in selecting good peers and good friends and companions.

Let me now briefly talk about the importance of physical training in the second stage of upbringing when we talk about from age 8 to 14. On physical level, your children will also need some physical activities to keep themselves fit. And from the Islamic point of view, we actually have some sayings from the Prophet and the Imams of Ahlul Bayt, where we are told, for example, as activities like swimming and archery have been recommended for the boys and knitting and art and craft for the girls. Now these are just general guidelines. You can look at the modern environment and guide your child to what will be useful for them in the future. But the emphasis should be on keeping themselves physically fit. Of course, the issue of, you know, hijab has to be maintained. Even the facilities has, have to be such that you know interaction to be also in the proper bonds of the Islamic Sharia.

Let me now emphasize on this point of discipline and physical punishment because when we talk about the second stage of raising a child, when Prophet Muhammad says 'Al waladu 'abdun saba' sineen', referring to the second segment of the raising of the child from 8 to 14. When he says the child is your slave, you know the emphasis is that you have to be strict, but what is the level of being strict, which would be acceptable from the Islamic point of view?

And this is where I would like to use the example of the relationship that we have with God. A kind of a relationship should be there between the children and the parents. For example, in our relationship with God, we have to balance two elements. One is known as Khauf and the other is known as Raja. Khauf means the fear of displeasing God and hope means you know, Raja means hope in God's Mercy and Forgiveness. Now the challenge for a Muslim is not to let Khauf overwhelm the Raja or the Raja overwhelm the Khauf. You know, a Muslim is somebody where you see that balance. Neither the fear of God's punishment should overwhelm one to lose hope in God's Mercy, nor should the hope in God's Mercy should overwhelm one to embolden him in committing sins.

Now when we look at that concept, we have to see same kind of a, you know interaction between children and parents. The parents have to behave with their children in such a way, that the children should fear displeasing the parents, but at the same time they should have hope and understanding and forgiveness of the parents when they make mistakes. And so this is where your attitude towards your child should be, even when you punish your child, the love should still be felt and be reflected to the child.

You know we basically deal with two kinds of, you know, modes of parents. One is permissive mode where they allow everything and this is not something which is you know acceptable in Islam, nor should the parents become dictatorial. And especially when we talk about the physical punishment, although spanking is allowed as the last resort and it must be done under complete control of your emotions. The Prophet has said when a parent is angry, you know, he should not spank his child. Otherwise you will cross the limit and be liable for penalty.

Let me conclude this part of my talk with an advice from the Grand Ayatullah Sistani. He is one of the major leaders of the Shi'a Muslims. One of the Sheikhs from Iraq, by the name of Sheikh Turayhi, when he was leaving Iraq to come and settle down in London, England, he went to the Grand Ayatullah Sistani and asked him for advice on how he should conduct himself in the West. And one of the things where Ayatollah Sistani mentioned is relevant to this theme where he says, and I'm quoting the exact words where he told Sheikh Turrayhi, 'In raising your children, do not interact with them in violent manner, because they will distance themselves from you and will not heed to you positively. More so when the laws of these countries do not allow you to use harsh and violent methods in raising them. You should rather deal with them with kindness and love, and to make them your friends so that they may respect you, respond to you, learn from you, listen to your counsel and implement the religious duties which are obligatory upon them. This way they will maintain the love and the respect for you.' And this is where we have to keep this advice in our mind.

May Almighty God give us the ability to understand Islam in the right way and to have the wisdom and the courage to raise our children as good Muslims and good citizens and human beings in this part of the world. May God bless all of you. Wa as-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.