2 Causes Of Parents vs Spouse Problem

This is for it the guys and the girls when we get married. Make sure that you write this down when you get married. When you have issues with your husband, as long as they are not, out of the world issues, very strange issues, ups and downs that every married guy and girl have. Make sure you do not complain to your parents. Do not go and get your parents involved.

Now, I already mentioned that when I spoke about the advices to the mother in law. So at the same time that the mother should not keep on getting involved, you, the daughter and the son should not keep on involving your parents. Every time I go visit my mother and father, I complain to them, my wife did this today, my wife did that today, my husband did this, my husband did that. Do not do that, brothers and sisters, because that will only lead to more problems.

Unless you really need a solution. And your parents, you think they can solve the issue. Yes, that will be different. You are not just complaining. Some people, they just want to complain. They just want to complain. They know there is no solution, they know the parents can not really do anything. First of all, you are just upsetting your father, you are just upsetting your mother. What is the point? If there is no solution and your parents can not do anything. Why go and tell them, break their heart every day. That is number one.

Number two, by doing that, you are just escalating the issue. Maybe sometimes it is better to tell other people, do not go and tell your mother, do not tell your father. Remember, the father is overprotective and he is going to come and maybe he wants to deal with it in a violent way. The mother is too emotional. Maybe you should find other people, because they will be more objective when they look at your issue. The parents of your wife, they will not be objective because it is their daughter. Of course they are going to be biased towards their daughter, and this is natural.

Find someone that is more objective, more neutral, and have them solve your issue. So this fact, this process that every day I go and I complain to my parents of my marital issues, this is also, as I mentioned, recipe for disaster. And then again, brothers and sisters, some wifes, some couple, some spouses, they are not fair at all. When there is a problem, they go and tell their parents.

But when the days that there are no problems, when the husband is good, when he does something good, or when the girl does something good, they don not tell their parents. Only the bad reaches the father and the mother. The good does not reach them. Why did not you tell your mother that he took you out for dinner? That he bought you a gift? That he bought you this? He told you some nice words, even something as small as that.

The good things, we keep them for ourselves, right? We keep it between us. Between us, me and my wife. But the bad things, we always go and we tell our parents, so this is unfair. My parents will think that this person is the worst individual that I got married to because all I am relaying to them is the negatives and I forget to tell them the positives. And you know, this is what I usually say with social media.

On social media, people, they do the opposite. They only put the good things they have in life. Go on any individual's social media and you will just see the nice things. The nice juicy hamburgers they ate. The day before when they ate the leftover food, they do not put pictures of it, do they? Oh, I am eating a nice leftover meal from two days ago. Nobody is going to put that on social media. Why?

Because people do not want to see that you are not going to get likes. The days that they are travelling, they are having fun, vacationing in a five star resort. They will put ten pictures every day. They go for Ziyarah, 20 pictures every day. The boring days, no pictures.

So when you look at their accounts, you think their life is the nicest life. MashaAllah all about food and vacation and travel and fun and entertainment. My life is so boring, right? No, your life is the same as their life. The difference is they only portray the good. They hide the boring and the bad. So with marriages, we do the opposite. Unfortunately, with our parents, we just show them the negatives and we hide the positives.

And there is a hadith, listen carefully, from the Prophet. He says this hadith, "haqqu al-ma'rati 'ala zawjiha an yasudda juhataha wa anjastura aurataha". Says, one of the rights of a wife that the husband must fulfil is that he feeds her, the Prophet says, "wa anjastura aurataha", that he conceals her flaws, he conceals her mistakes. If my wife makes a mistake and the same thing applies to the husband, if I am a woman and my husband makes a mistake, I must conceal it.

As long as it is a reasonable mistake, it is not something that is too big. Most people have these mistakes. This is a right that the other has upon me. Do not go in telling your friends about it. Sometimes even they go to social media and they post some of the problems that they have. I call my friend, my best friend, and I complain. I call my parents, I call this. This is wrong. The Prophet says, "min haqq al-zawj 'ala zawjatah, min haqq az-zawjah, al-mar'a 'ala zawjiiha". This is a right of the woman that if she makes a mistake, he conceals and forgives.

And Allah mentions this in the Holy Qur'an when He speaks about marriage. What does Allah say? He says, "Hunna libasun lakum wa antum libasun lahunna" (2:187). He says, look at the relationship between a married man and a woman. He says, you are a garment. Allah uses the word libas. Libas means clothing, garment. You are like clothing for her and she is clothing for you. What does that mean, brothers and sisters?

Why does the Qur'an use the word libas, garment? How is my wife garment for me and I am garment, clothing for her? Ask yourself, what do clothes do? They conceal you, right? You do not go out naked, obviously, it will be the biggest disaster, the biggest scandal if I go out naked, right? So what do clothes do? They conceal you, they protect you, right? This is what the husband does to his wife. He conceals, he protects. This is what she does for him.

What happens between them stays between them. This is the right of each individual. "Hunna libasun lakum wa antum libasun lahunna" (2:187). So we have to conceal each other, we have to forgive our mistakes, keep them between us, forgive and as they say, forget. This is number three.

And finally I will end with this. This is very important, brothers and sisters. Never ever make your spouse choose between you and their parents. There are some women that tell the husband: look, either me or your mom. You can not have both, because remember, there is a fight between her and the mom. Or there are some husbands that tell his wife that tell their wives, either me or your father or your family. This is haram, brothers and sisters.

Not only is it a sin, this is destroying the marriage. When I make my spouse, my spouse wants both. I want my wife and my mom. But my wife cannot come and tell me that you have to choose me or your mom. This is haram. I cannot choose you over my mother. Because if I choose my wife over my mother and I have lost my mother, that means I have lost my Akhirat. That means I have lost Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala.

The hadith of the Prophet says "al-Jannatu tah-ta akdami al-ummahat", Heaven, Paradise is beneath the feet of your mother. How dare my wife come and tell me choose between me and my mother who heaven is beneath her feet? If I choose you over my mother, that means I have no Paradise. That means, khalas, I have lost Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala.

So if she even knew what she was saying. That a wife, when she tells her husband either me or your mother, she is basically saying choose Hell or Heaven. What kind of question is that? Would anyone choose Hell over Heaven? No one. So this is unacceptable.

When either of the two, the husband or the wife, tells the other either me or your family. No. There should always be a middle ground where he respects his parents, he respects his family members. Maintains good ties with his family and at the same time he can please me. But remember, brothers and sisters, if there is a clash between my spouse and my parents, who is more important? Islamically? Who is more important?

My parents come before anyone, your father and your mother, they come only after Allah. Allah than your parents. I do not care how much I love my spouse, how many years I have lived with them. But if, you know, we should not let it reach that level where there is a conflict and I have to choose one over the other. But if I did have to choose one over the other, I would definitely choose my parents.

Because my parents are the ones that raised me. They gave me life. My mother carried me nine months in [her] womb. Now I come and I disrespect her and neglect her for someone else. No way.

Not only is this un-Islamic, it is immoral, and it is illogical. So that is why, brothers and sisters, we should never be an obstacle between my spouse and his parents, my spouse and her parents. I find myself sometimes that because of my influence on my wife or on my husband, his relationship with his parents is weakening. Yes, brothers and sisters, some people, they get married, and because of that marriage, it has a negative impact on their relationship with their family members. Their relationship with their mothers, with their fathers.

This is a terrible marriage, something that comes between me and my parents. I should never allow that. And that is why I have seen certain brothers or certain sisters, they make it as clear sometimes even in the marriage contract, that, look, my parents are always the priority. Do not think that I will neglect them and take you on vacations and this and that. After my parents comes you. Because this is how Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala, wants it to be. Yes, sometimes the mother may be wrong, the mother may be unjust, the mother may be cruel with her daughter in law.

But that never ever justifies that I the son, the daughter, I get involved and I also try to punish my mother. I try to punish my father. Never. Brothers and sisters, our parents come before anyone. And there is a story that is narrated during the time of the Prophet, a young man by the name of Alqamah, he was dying. And his wife sent a message to the Prophet that he is dying. But that dying stage, which we call al-ihtidhar when the angel of death takes our soul, that process, that stage, it was taking too long. You could tell that he was in torture. So in such situations, you can imagine that this person is probably being punished.

That the Hadith tell us that a believer has the easiest death and a non believer or a sinner, someone that is far from Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala, his death will be difficult upon him. So she said she sent a message to the Prophet that, please come and help. He is not dying, nor is he getting better. So the Prophet sent some of his companions. They came to him. What do they tell him? You see someone dying, you tell them the Shahadatayn, right? Talqin. You tell them "Ashadu anna la ilaha [illa Allah]". The last words. This is the best way I can end my life.

The last words I say are the Shahadatayn, "Ashadu anna la ilaha illa Allah, wa ashahu anna Muhammad ar-Rasul Allah. This is how I will greet my Lord in the next life, witnessing that he is the God, the only God, and that Muhammad is His Messenger. So the companions come to him, they tell him say the Shahadatayn. But he can not. He tries to say it, he can not.

So eventually they come back to the Prophet and they tell him, we could not help with this guy. So the Prophet came and he asked, is his mother alive or his father? They said, yes, he has an old mother. He said, I want to speak to the mother. They brought the mother. He asked her, the Prophet asked her your son, who is dying right now, was he a good individual? She said, he used to pray, he used to fast. Yes, the rituals, he would do them. So the Prophet asked her this question: are you pleased with him? Are you satisfied and happy with your son? Was he a good son to you?

She said, no, ya Rasul Allah, he was not a good son to me.Yes, he prayed and he did fasting. And he was a religious individual. But with me he was a terrible person. Why? He said, Because of his wife. The mother tells the Prophet, because of his wife, his wife hated me. And because of his wife, he always was with her. He would stand with her against me and oppress me, neglect me and disobey me. So I am not pleased with him.

And this is when the Prophet had to intervene and he had to tell her to forgive him or else Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala will punish him. The Prophet told her according to the hadith, that he will not benefit from any of the good deeds that he did the Salah, the fasting, the du'a. If you are not pleased with him, the mother, only then, when she forgave him, finally he was able to say the Shahadatayn. And he died. And the Prophet then attended the funeral.

So, brothers and sisters, never forget your parents. When you get married, before you are married, your parents are the two most important individuals in your life. And after you get married, until the last day of your life, your parents are the two most important individuals in your life. When I get married with someone, I have to make sure that they understand this, they understand this with my parents, and I understand it with their parents.