Difficult In-Laws? Use This Hadith Of Imam as-Sajjad (A)

Let me, you know, share with you a very interesting lengthy conversation that one of the companions head with our fourth Imam, Imam Zayn Al-'Abidin, alayhi as-salat wa as-salam [Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa Aali Muhammad].

This is actually a psychological advice that Imam is giving to this fellow, about how to deal with other people, and maintain the relationships and friendship. Although the advice is of a general type, but we can focus and use that same formula, and the solution when we talk about relationship between the family.

And this is a narration from our 5th Imam, Imam Muhammad Al-Baqir, alayhi as-salat wa as-salam [Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa Aali Muhammad]. He is the rawi, he is the narrator. He says one day a fellow by the name of Muhammad Ibn Muslim az-Zuhri, he was known to be someone like a Sufi type those days. And he came, he says one day he came to my father, wa huwa kathibun, hazeen" with a very sad face. And Imam looked at him, and Imam said: "ma blalaka maghmum?", oh Zuhri, what happened to you? Why you look so sad, depressed?

And he says, "Ya Ibn Rasul Allah, humumun and ghumun", o the son of the Prophet, yes, I have "ghaman ham" I am sad and I have issues and concerns. He says, I have been actually tested by Allah, Subhana wa Ta'ala, by those who are jealous of what I have been given by Allah, and those who have these eyes on my wealth, and even those whom I actually hope to be good to me, and even those whom I have been charitable towards them. All these things happen, but at the end, our friendship doesn't last. And so this is my "ham" and "gham", my sorrow and concern.

So Imam mentioned something initially, as a very brief statement where he says "hafiz alayka bi lisanik" most of the problems start with lisan. Imam says, control your tongue. "Tamlik bi ikhwanik" control your tongue. If you are able to control what you say and how you say it, you will be able to maintain your friends. But then Imam says something, and this is for us, for everyone in any situation, especially in husband-wife relationship. He says: "Ya Zuhri! Amma alayka antajal al-Muslim minka, bi manzilati ahli baytik".

Imam says: O Zuhri! You should consider the people that you interact with as members of your family. Then look at them. "Fa tahjal kabiruhum bi manzilati walid", if you see somebody who is older than you, then put him in the place of your father, in your mind. If he is younger than you, then put him in the place of your son. And if they are of same age as you, then put him in the place of your brother.

If you look at people from that perspective, Imam says: "fa ayyuha ulay tuhibbu antadhlim", whom among them will you be unjust to? "Wa ayyuha ulay tuhibbu antad'u alayh", who among them would you do bad du'a for them? "Wa ayyuha ulay tuhibbu antahtiku as-sitrahu", and who among them is the one who would like to, that you would like to expose them because of their weaknesses? You wouldn't do that, because now you are treating them like a father, or a son, or a brother.

And this is where we come to the beauty of, we don't really have to go here and there, books on psychology, and this and that. This is the psychology coming from the Imam. But then Imam says: if you start doing this, treating people this way, then remember there is another problem. Even when you do good things, there is always bala' attached with it. He says, when you start doing this and you have good friends, Shaytan comes to you and says oh, you are very good.

Once you start thinking this way, you might reverse this whole process. And so Imam says: "wa in aradha alayka Iblis, la'anu Allah, bi anna laka fadhlana 'ala ahadin min Ahl al-Qibla", but if you start becoming good, and Shaytan comes to you and plants this idea in your mind, that you are better than everyone else, then Imam says "fa 'nzur", in order to reform yourself, amend your own attitude. Imam says, then look at those that you interact with.

"Fa in kana akbaru minka", if they are older than you, whom you put in the place of the father, and then you compare that person to yourself and you say: "fa qul kad sabaqani bi 'l-Iman wa amal as-salih", this person is older than me. It means he lived as a Mu'min longer than me. It means that he had more opportunity to do good deeds than me, because I am younger than him. "Fa huwa khairun minni", therefore he is better than me.

Remember Shaytan comparing himself to Adam, he says "ana khayrun minhu". This is where Imam is saying look at the older person and say well, he has been a Mu'min longer than you, had opportunities to do good more than you, therefore he is better than you. And this arrogance will go. "wa in kana asghar minka", but if the fellow is younger than you, Imam says reverse the psychology here. Say to yourself: "sabaqtu bi 'l-mahafi wa adh-dhunub", I am older than him. I had more opportunity to commit sins, but he is younger than me. " "Fa huwa khairun minni", therefore he is better than me.

"Wa in kana turbak", but if the fellow is of the same age as yours, then Imam says: say to yourself: "ana 'ala yaqini min dhambi", I am absolutely sure about my own mistakes and sins that I have committed. "Wa fi shakkin min amrihi", but I have doubts about what he does. I am not sure about him. So why should I give prevalence to the shakk over the Yaqin? And this is where I would say he is better than me.

Imam says when you do this: "fa innaka" this is the fourth Imam's guarantee. "Fa innaka idha fa'alta dhalik", that if you do this, "sahhal Allahu alayka ayshaka" Allah will make your 'aysh' and your life good, "wa kathur asdikauka", your friends will increase. "Wa farihta bi ma yakunu min barrihim", you will be pleased with the goodness that comes from them to you. "Wa lam tahsafa 'ala man yakunu min jafafihim", And if they are not good to you, still you will not care about it anymore. Salawat [Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa Aali Muhammad].

Take this spiritual prescription from the Imam, about inter-human relationship and use it in any situation that you find yourself, especially in family life. You know, the new bride, she comes into the family, well, look at the father in law. He doesn't replace your father, but he is, consider him to be in the place of your father. The mother in law in the same way, the brother in law in the same way. The attitudes will change.

The husband who is marrying a wife, when he looks at his own in laws, same situation. Look at the father in law, place him in the place of your father. Respect him in that way. Respect the mother in law in that way. And this is where we will get this 'Sukun' that Allah, Subhana wa Ta'ala, as guaranteed in the Ayat from Surat Ar-Room [Refer to 30:21]. Salawat [Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa Aali Muhammad].