The Islamic Way of Dating

Another form of dating is a dating with sincere intentions for marriage. It is no joke. It is not a game. They are not playing. They are not going to have a fun time, going out on a Friday night or a Saturday night, to enjoy themselves. No.

Number one: there is sincere intentions for marriage. This is one. Two: they have the blessings and knowledge of their parents. Their parents know that this young man and young woman are going out. They have knowledge and they have their blessings. Two. Three: no one is dressed provocatively. No one has a lot of makeup on. Heavy makeup or provocative clothing. A lot of skin showing. No. Hijab is respected. Dressed properly, good hijab. Four: they go out to a public place. And when I say a public place, I do not mean a bar or a club. No, somewhere that is respectful, somewhere where others are seeing them, watching them. They are not secluded, they are not sitting privately. Like an open cafe where people could see them. And they sit and they discuss marriage, only marriage. With sincere intentions of marriage. And this is another form of dating.

Is this haram? Who said? Who said that this is haram? That a young man goes out with another young woman with the permission of their parents, with the blessing of their parents, only with the intention of marriage. Nothing provocative. They do not go to a place that is provocative. And they only talk about plans of getting married. To get to know one another for marriage. Who says this is haram? Who says that there are fatwas that say this is haram and that they should not do this? In fact, if we read certain narrations, they do not say "that go out and date", but from these narrations you can understand that if a young man and a young woman go out on this kind of date - if you want to call it a date - it is fine.

For example, "man ja'akum man tardhauna dinahu, wa khuluqahu fa zawwuju", if a person comes to you and you are satisfied with their faith and their akhlaq then marry them. Well, how do you get to know a person's faith and akhlaq? Just by seeing them at home or at a majalis and that is it, you discover that person's faith and that person's akhlaq? No, you have to get to know the person. You have to get to know them. Whether at home or going on a date like this. In the circumstances that I have described, and you get to know that person's akhlaq. Are they angry? Do they have patience? Are they stuck up? Are they arrogant? Are they humble? Are they religious? You get to know them. You get to know their faith and they are akhlaq.

From this sort of hadith, we discover that getting to know the person from a date like this, it is fine. Another hadith says: "ikhtaru li 'l-watafikum fa 'inna al-'arqa dassas", choose wisely, your children. How do you choose your children? By choosing the spouse. By choosing the right father. By choosing the right mother. Well, how do you choose the right mother and the right father? Just by looking at them, or looking at a picture, or from your mother telling you? No! By going out, by sitting without having pressure.

Getting to know them in an unprovocative manner, without crossing the border lines. Getting to know them, you will discover that 'does this person make a good father or a good mother?' There are other narrations that say to men: "choose a smart wife. Choose a smart wife." How do you know she is smart? Do not you have to get to know her? Some narrations say "choose a good-looking wife". Yes, looks are important. No one tells you "do not marry someone unattractive". No, in Islam you should marry someone that is attractive. Attraction is a must. Yes. It does not have to be at the top of your priorities, but there should be attraction. How do you know these qualities? You have to get to know the person.

So this form of date: going to a place unprovocatively, being well dressed, hijab is preserved, the blessings of the parents, with the knowledge of the parents, the permission of the parents. Without going to a place that is secluded, somewhere in public to discuss marriage and only marriage with sincere intentions of marriage. Who says this is haram? However, you have to make sure that you do not cross the boundaries. You do not cross the limits. You do not cross the red lines. Sallu ‘ala Muhammad wa Aali Muhammad [Allahumma salli ‘ala Muhammad wa Aali Muhammad].

You know, this sort of date should be considered like an interview, like a job interview. Have you ever had a job interview? Have you ever been interrogated? The date should be like this. It should be a two way interview. For example, you ask a lot of questions. You ask for a reference. "Who knows you? Who says that you are a good person?" Ask for a reference. Something like a letter of recommendation. Ask for a reference. You ask about that person's background and their history. "What have you done? Have you been in previous relationships? Were you ever divorced? What happened? Why did you get a divorce?" Ask such question. "What are your plans for the future? What would you like to do in the future?"

You know, these are important questions and it is very important to ask the right questions, and not silly questions. You know, I see a lot of young people when they are getting married, when they want to know the other person. They ask the silliest questions: "what is your favorite movie?" What is your favorite movie? Obviously they are going to tell you Titanic. "What is your favorite color?" Are you serious? You want to marry someone based upon what is their favorite color? Of course they are going to tell you, it is the color of your eyes. "Are you a coffee person or a tea?" Of course they are going to tell you "whatever you serve me" and so on and so forth. These are silly questions. These are not the right questions to ask someone that you want to share the rest of your life with. Ask the right questions. The questions that matter the most, right?

Ask questions that will make it or break it, right? Ask hypothetical questions. Like, for example, a young lady should ask a young man, "what would you do if I took off my hijab? Would you allow me to take off my hijab? Or would you divorce me? What is it that you do?" Or the young man should ask a hypothetical question like - you know - "what would you do if I changed my job and I started to own a liquor store? Or if I stopped praying? Or" - you know, these are the important questions to ask. And this is how you discover, does this person make a good father? Does this person make a good mother? It is a job interview. It is an interrogation. At the end of the day, you are choosing someone that you will spend the rest of your life with.

Wa sallu ‘ala Muhammad wa Aali Muhammad.